September 16, 2016

Tolerable Deviation Rate

Dear Earl and Ann (lol since you wanted to be extras, okay then hahahah kidding),

I don't know how to start this letter, I've been finding the exact words to say since the start of this month. I honestly have 5 drafts for this, one on my phone and the other on my ipad and the rest is on my computer. But ended up throwing them all in the trash, I wish I'd finally be able to finish this letter today before my feelings start to change again. 

You know how Charlie in perks of being a wallflower said the words, "And in that moment. I swear we were infinite". It was hard for me to internalize how Charlie felt while reading the book, not until, at midnight upon going home after the celebration of my birthday eve this year, that I finally felt more like Charlie. Right then, I said to myself, "Welcome back, Anna". It has been months since I haven't had a really good laugh at life, often times I've been crying myself to sleep, thinking about the stresses of school and how it collides with my own dreams (of course, I didn't share so much about my sadness, because I understand that this is a battle I need to fight on my own), I also had so much setbacks from some of my friends, I have no idea how everything fell apart with us, maybe it was the circumstances, expectations, or me. I should've never given my whole heart to them and instead, have given it more to the people who care - I could've given the same to you, but I'm all out of it when we started knowing each other. I'm almost giving up with life; I had nights I was wishing I could just melt into sadness and be gone for good. A melancholic life for a wanna-be writer, a perfect combo. And, just when I thought my world is collapsing, I met you. It was a sudden moment, one that is indescribable, I could not even write the exact word for it. Slow mo - one afternoon, we decided to sit beside each other at a room filled with serious people, whose life depended on their studies, we started to make noise and suddenly, it wasn't so serious anymore. In that moment I swear we were infinite.

Just like love, I don't know how to define happiness. I guess, they were never really meant to be defined, you just feel it. You enjoy the feeling and it's almost like touching your whole life. This is it. This is the 'someday' we've been waiting for; One in which even in the midst of distress, worry and fear, you just hold their hands and everything is 'okay'.

I'm afraid of being away from you, I don't know if I'm just feeling 'gay', or that I've grown fond of those people who chose to hug me despite not hugging them back. The other night before the quiz on auditing theory, I asked myself the question: "What is your tolerable deviation rate from people?" Did I set my rate too high or too low? I don't know how much would it sadden me if a month from now, everything will be different again. I don't know if we'd still feel the same about each other or that you'd still be willing to hug me so tight that it became harder for me to breathe, "Yes, anna, I will never ever miss you", but it took a while before you let me breathe, freely. I will not miss you as well, so goddamn well. How am I supposed to deal with people, who will point fingers at me no matter what I do? Who will be able to come with me when I need a fvcking beer in my svcky life? Who will push me to get a love life to someone I barely even know? (not that this matters, but thank you) Who will stand by me through failures and heartaches over quizzes and exams? New friends. A deviation from this kind of happiness that I feel. Yes, you weren't my high school friends, my closest and the best, we formed this bond months ago and not necessarily the most trustworthy and strong. Yet, I get a little tingling in my heart, whenever I imagine our goodbyes. I once, told myself that my tolerable deviation rate is too high, "Nigga I don't worry too much", but maybe I got it wrong, for I set it too low, but was so afraid to proceed with a more extensive substantive tests. Even so, I'd still report an unqualified opinion - this is it.

To Ann, Earl (Ew so cheesy!) and to the rest of the people who are always with me at the study room, maybe all of us were bound not to be very expressive in real life (away from this kind of love letter from sweeteranna), our friendship, they were mostly laughing at ourselves, our imperfections, we deal with sadness by joking around and making other people laugh. I don't know why we just happen to hang out recently, we were blockmates in first year college for God's sake! Maybe, this was God telling us, "Guys, you are not alone in your battle, I will give you the people of study room and you will all drink to good times and bad times together, and that is how you will survive prereview", if that is, I'm forever grateful to God.

Before writing this last draft, I've been planning to write about my birthday celeb, but I just decided to dedicate this letter to those people who fill the gaps of a lonely girl, and what is more astonishing to write than the euphoria I feel inside?

With my shoes readied, I'll stand on the bench at a roof top with the view of the city lights, and would gladly shout, "It's my birthday today!!!"

September 9, 2016 at 4:00am: So I came home tonight, thinking about how we've always searched for happiness, for something that is magical, like in the story books; not knowing, that there are certain kind of happiness hiding beneath all our dramas, behind closed doors, failures and setbacks. There are certain kind of happiness, in deciding to close doors for some people, cutting some friendships and forming new ones, missing someone who is standing right in front of us, to stressful school stuff, there are certain kind of happiness that blossoms during our darkest days and the unexpected moments. I want to live this moment, again. Welcome back, Anna.

I, once again, want to give this heart, fully. Even for a little while, like this semester.  

Truly yours,

“So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be.”  -Charlie, Perks of Being a Wallflower

P.S. Pictures are coming soon! HAHA
P.P.S This will be "Sepanx" anytime soon

No comments :

Post a Comment