June 28, 2018

This is not the end

Hindi po ako magaling

People would frequently ask me, “Bakit ako nagaccountancy?” “Kaya ko ba?” at nang nagshift po ako to FA, someone called me out and said “Yuck! Nagshift!” 

I was not exceptional. I’m not from the Honor’s class, I don’t have any Latin Awards, and I’ve never been in the President’s list.  I’m not the type of classmate na tinatabihan if there were group studies or assignments. Growing up, I honestly believed that I am not worthy of any recognition because I felt like I don’t belong anywhere.

Hindi po ako kasing galing ng mga kapatid ko; mga CPA po sila, ang isa ay grumaduate sa law school bilang class salutatorian sa maynila, at pinsan na 3rdCPA board placer – ateneo alumnus.

I grew up living behind the shadows of great people, that it became harder for me to recognize my own worth. 

Hindi ako magaling. Pero, lumaban po ako. 

Lumaban po ako hanggang sa makabalik ako sa BS Accountancy. Hanggang sa maging prerev at hanggang sa maging CPA.

Lumaban po ako.

Sinumpa ko po ang prerev, thinking how unfair the system was. The toxcity. The every day crying, pushing myself to go to school despite of depression. I would have jumped the building the moment I was told I wouldn’t graduate on time. I was this close of doing that. Prerev is a hell. But, who would’ve thought that one day, I would be grateful that it happened? Pain helped me become the person I am now. So, trust the process. 

To all prerev people who are still listening and even those who are not: You’ll get your heart broken. Sometimes, you’ll find yourself lost and even worse than that. Cry really, really hard. But, never give up. Find yourself and believe in it even if it’s hard. Here’s the first real tip: Lokohin ang sarili na magaling ka, hanggang sa maging totoo. 

Second real tip: Enjoy it and find “real” friends.

When I passed prerev, I remember being so happy. I told my mom, “pasado na ako.” Then I remember her saying calmly, as if nothing happened, “Hindi pa tapos ang laban.”

She was right, “hindi pa tapos ang laban”

The review days are not always sunshine, but you can always count on the people around you. The hardest thing for me was battling the homesickness and pressure. There was this one time, I guess a week before the exam, that I came home early sa dorm just to cry, tapos Joan was there, and she was really trying her best to comfort me.  Thank you to my roomies: Joan, Mia and Joyce. You might not know this but I am really, really happy being with you. I am so proud of us! Lalong lalo na kay Joyce, I am very proud of you. I love you all.

When it comes to preparation - prepare in a manner that suits you ever since. The actual board exams will not depend on how good you were during the review days. Foundation, foundation po talaga. The things you’ve learned during your undergrad years would be your saving grace. Take note and give yourself some credit on how far you’ve come.

The day before the actual CPA examination, I was rushed to the ER because I was suffering from severe stomachache and vomiting, days before that I had diarrhoea and fever. Everyone thought that I wouldn’t be able to take the exam. I was discharged from the hospital the night before the CPA examination. But, I always knew I was unstoppable. 

7 years? Tapos magpapatalo lang po ako sa sakit ng tiyan. No, Felicia!

So on that day, I took off all my bandages. And, that has made all the difference. 

It has been almost a month since I last saw my name on the list of passers. Siguro nga, effective ang mga pamahiin ng mga tita ko. I never thought could do it, but I did. 

Hindi po ako magaling. I’m average. I’m nowhere near these people sitting beside me. I’m nothing special. Sometimes, I feel like I am such a disappointment. But, neither words nor circumstances would ever stop me from achieving something that would make my parents proud. 

I hope they’re proud of me. 

Napakahirap po nang daan patungo sa CPA title. But all along, it was not really about being great; it was really just about “gaano ba kakapal yang mukha mo?” at “gaano ba katibay ang loob mo?” 

To all my teachers, who taught me a lot of things accounting related, but most of all taught me that courage, bravery and discipline – are the better things to be given and practiced. 

Atty. Reyes, Sir Abelinde, Ma’am Billy, Sir Jayser, Sir Tony, Sir  Marlon, Most especially kay Sir Mars for the great prerev adventure, To Daddy Bart for giving us the enhancement program the saving grace of my life. To Sir mike. To Sir Tuy, unpopular opinion, pero you made me believe na matibay ako sa MAS so thank you.

May you instill on every students, that grades matter only in school standing, but would never define who we are as persons, because we are more than that.

To all my friends – you all know who you are. Thank you for always believing in me. Gemma’s Peeps, Gregsters Association and Crownicles, on times that I felt so lonely you were all there for me. To the powerpuff girls: Ann and Malou, CPA na kitang tulo. Pau and most especially, Hazel, thank you for all the nights that I needed someone to talk to.

To all the saints and souls in heaven, to my guardian angel, the Holy Spirit, Mama Mary (Ina), St. Jude, St Joseph of Cupertino, Jesus, My God – I’ll be forever grateful. 

To my family, I couldn’t thank you enough. Thank you very, very, very much.

When I started in Ateneo, I have so much imagination, of who I will become and what will I be. As I grew up, I’ve learned that everything we imagined are not always the way things turned out and that’s okay. We make stories out of failures and mistakes – not of greatness. I think our journey wouldn’t stop here. It’s an unending cycle of pain – but we will push through. That’s what makes a great story.  

So this is a quote fron Noor and my favorite, “Without a failure, that bruised your heart, art and every start what else would remind you that underneath this golden skin word “strong” runs in your veins”

The CPA title is not about everything; it is really the character that makes you a CPA. 

This is the lyrics I got from ben&ben’s song entitled susi, “Ilang beses man madapa’t sumubsob, kailanman ay gawing matatag ang iyong loob. Mga batikos huwag nang diringgin pakawalan lang yan sa hangin. Bukas ay malapit naring dumating. Lumaban ka pa rin”

February 14, 2018

Where the sunflower blooms

Your name, a light brown nut from the birch trees.

But to me, you were more like the sunflower, brimming with joy and hope. You talk about happiness in this harsh lonely world. You talk about it in perfect timing when I haven’t had any.

I have always believed that when you find love, it usually burst out fireworks inside us, like something we can’t bare – something that makes it harder for us to breathe, but at the same time the universe is embracing us, as if we can conquer everything.

We live with so many “as ifs”, and it makes love become more of an idea rather than a feeling. We keep trying so hard to make it look like a motion picture. Boy and Girl falling in love with each other, disregarding the fact that sometimes, boys love boys and girls love girls too. Where do we stand?

We stand on a never ending prayer, that the society would be more accepting. That this is something worth fighting for. That there’s something to look forward to, as if, as if.

You were there in my homesickness, pretending you were home.

Your kindness is overflowing, but your humor is my favorite. How you speak your words, and the way it makes me smile. It is attractive. I never had a day where I didn’t wish the world to have more people like you.

Beneath your strong surface, lies vulnerability, a sense of loneliness and insecurity. By then, your dramas are the only dramas I want to listen to.

That is how my love grew, I guess.

Though, you should know:
I wasn’t ready for this.

We always remind each other of the truth about our feelings. When people mistook us for something else. You always assure me that it’s okay because, “We both know the truth”

But, do we?

It’s so easy to put a rainbow flag outside my door, and tell people I support a genderless love. Yet, it is not easy to tell the world how much love I could give to someone like you.

I have built walls that scream I am not into it.

But you bloomed inconveniently outside the walls, and started creeping through the cracks. When we both know this isn’t real, and we can never be.

I don’t know what to call the relationship we are staging. All I know is that when you started coming in, I wanted you to leave fast. But you keep reminding me of my own kindness, that there is something in me worth loving. I never asked for you to be my sunshine. Yet, you keep on shining. You bloomed in places where it was dark; and I drew a line between us but it became rainbows overtime. I don’t want this feeling leave me, anymore.

I wish to love you like how love was supposed to be. I want to listen to you at 4am in words and even in your silence. I try to convince myself every morning that I can. Maybe, there’s this chance that I can somehow be dragged to your hell too.

In a world full of make believe I hope you recognize, that the only real thing right now is how I feel for you – even when I shouldn’t.

And for once, Lang Leav was right: Sometimes we want what we couldn’t, sometimes we love who we could.

You were the kindest, and you were generous enough to share your light to me. You made me believe that there are still people who could love me, for me. You brought me laughters at 2am, and for the first time after a very long while my life wasn’t as lonely anymore.

We may never be the lovers we wished to be but while the moment last, we may pretend that we are. Two girls sitting on a tree, running away from their old friendships, mending broken hearts, forgetting the cage they are in.

As if, the universe is singing when they hold their hands, or when they talk about their dreams at midnight. As if the stars light up brighter, when they hear them laugh. Their conversations would last longer than a day and this feeling will last forever. As if the society accepts this kind of love. That true love is true love no matter what gender.

I like to pretend that we can.

As if.

I have always believed in the magic of love. But, as I grew older, I got accustomed to self-love and how I can be able to share it. Without the “ideology,” I wanted to share to you this love. Not because I am in love with you, but just because.

Let’s pretend once more, like a motion picture. Break the wall.

“I really like you very much”

Your name, a light brown nut from the birch trees: hazelnut


Happy Valentine’s Day!!!