February 14, 2018

Where the sunflower blooms

Your name, a light brown nut from the birch trees.

But to me, you were more like the sunflower, brimming with joy and hope. You talk about happiness in this harsh lonely world. You talk about it in perfect timing when I haven’t had any.

I have always believed that when you find love, it usually burst out fireworks inside us, like something we can’t bare – something that makes it harder for us to breathe, but at the same time the universe is embracing us, as if we can conquer everything.

We live with so many “as ifs”, and it makes love become more of an idea rather than a feeling. We keep trying so hard to make it look like a motion picture. Boy and Girl falling in love with each other, disregarding the fact that sometimes, boys love boys and girls love girls too. Where do we stand?

We stand on a never ending prayer, that the society would be more accepting. That this is something worth fighting for. That there’s something to look forward to, as if, as if.

You were there in my homesickness, pretending you were home.

Your kindness is overflowing, but your humor is my favorite. How you speak your words, and the way it makes me smile. It is attractive. I never had a day where I didn’t wish the world to have more people like you.

Beneath your strong surface, lies vulnerability, a sense of loneliness and insecurity. By then, your dramas are the only dramas I want to listen to.

That is how my love grew, I guess.

Though, you should know:
I wasn’t ready for this.

We always remind each other of the truth about our feelings. When people mistook us for something else. You always assure me that it’s okay because, “We both know the truth”

But, do we?

It’s so easy to put a rainbow flag outside my door, and tell people I support a genderless love. Yet, it is not easy to tell the world how much love I could give to someone like you.

I have built walls that scream I am not into it.

But you bloomed inconveniently outside the walls, and started creeping through the cracks. When we both know this isn’t real, and we can never be.

I don’t know what to call the relationship we are staging. All I know is that when you started coming in, I wanted you to leave fast. But you keep reminding me of my own kindness, that there is something in me worth loving. I never asked for you to be my sunshine. Yet, you keep on shining. You bloomed in places where it was dark; and I drew a line between us but it became rainbows overtime. I don’t want this feeling leave me, anymore.

I wish to love you like how love was supposed to be. I want to listen to you at 4am in words and even in your silence. I try to convince myself every morning that I can. Maybe, there’s this chance that I can somehow be dragged to your hell too.

In a world full of make believe I hope you recognize, that the only real thing right now is how I feel for you – even when I shouldn’t.

And for once, Lang Leav was right: Sometimes we want what we couldn’t, sometimes we love who we could.

You were the kindest, and you were generous enough to share your light to me. You made me believe that there are still people who could love me, for me. You brought me laughters at 2am, and for the first time after a very long while my life wasn’t as lonely anymore.

We may never be the lovers we wished to be but while the moment last, we may pretend that we are. Two girls sitting on a tree, running away from their old friendships, mending broken hearts, forgetting the cage they are in.

As if, the universe is singing when they hold their hands, or when they talk about their dreams at midnight. As if the stars light up brighter, when they hear them laugh. Their conversations would last longer than a day and this feeling will last forever. As if the society accepts this kind of love. That true love is true love no matter what gender.

I like to pretend that we can.

As if.

I have always believed in the magic of love. But, as I grew older, I got accustomed to self-love and how I can be able to share it. Without the “ideology,” I wanted to share to you this love. Not because I am in love with you, but just because.

Let’s pretend once more, like a motion picture. Break the wall.

“I really like you very much”

Your name, a light brown nut from the birch trees: hazelnut


Happy Valentine’s Day!!!

December 30, 2017

Here we are

At 1:58am as I was going over all the crazy things that happened this year - the cruelness and the magic, how they perfectly blended into one insane year, I find it impossible to write everything in detail, all I can ever do is recall feelings, and those things are difficult to impart. I will try.

On finding Love

I started this year as a mad Maria Clara, writing for a boy that doesn’t even count anymore, or so I thought. I’m giving him all the kindness I could’ve given him at the start of this year. But then again, I don’t regret anything. Maybe, he's not worth it or the other way around. Nonetheless, whatever he felt, I just wished I could’ve told him that he matter. When I write about people they really matter, whatever the context they're may be in.

I brought that up because, people told me that this was a good year to find love. I was excited enough to prove it, though how badly desperate it sounded. Whenever I tell my closest friends about my sexuality, the most common thing they say to me is to get a boyfriend to test it. As if, getting into a relationship is an answer and as if, I still don't know what my preference is. 

I believe in the genuineness of love so much, that it bothers me how could people easily fall prey to the surfaces. Where is substance and rawness? The love that is with conversations, the randomness of the things you do out of love even without noticing it. You see, I'm not a fan of formality. I want connection more than the cheese. When they told me about getting love (or shall we say, getting into a romantic relationship) this year, I've always looked for it in the obvious places. But, love this year took a different form, it wasn't through a romantic relationship. It was in my grit, my dreams, and new friendships I never knew will exist. I've felt it because pain didn't matter.