December 31, 2015

2015 in a love letter

Dearest 2015,

You just happened to be like a roller coaster ride, but I'd like to think you are more than that, because you're not just about the adrenaline rush and the goosebumps during the highs and the lows. You were also about heartbeats, sadness, sleepless nights and all throughout the kind of high you would want to experience -- It's more than happiness, it's euphoria blended in utter grief.

It's slow as it goes up, and fast as it goes down. I'm shouting, I'm shedding tears, I want it to stop, but I also wouldn't want. I'm not yet ready to let go. So, I hold on. 

As most relationships are, they start at the most exciting parts -- the 2am talks, candid photographs and the cheese. It's risky and all the while, fulfilling. There's something about the commitments, the promises and the notion of "there's forever". Holding hands and pretending we are invincible. Yet eventually, we learn that not all moments lasts. Even in photographs.  

I still remember how I cringed, when you first told me I was beautiful on summer. I never believed it as much as I never believed in summer love. But it was quite confounding because I started feeling good about myself -- I thought, maybe, I was worth it after all. However, that's the thing about summer love, it never really stays. I wasn't as beautiful as how you first looked at me, by the end of it. I'd like to believe that I'm okay with it.

I met you in January, but I felt you more in July. Beer nights, bonfire midnights and laughters. "Hello Patricia!" your new friend, who seems to hid herself in glee but was already drowning in sadness. That was all that you know. I'm made up of big, big dreams and you were made up of faith. I fell in love with you the way I was scared of falling in love with someone who messages me at 2am in perfect timing when everything was falling apart, that was in August. The instant I felt it, I started packing my things,  I was ready to leave because I was scared to love. You don't know any of these; so, you wonder how easy it is for me to leave people behind, and that maybe is the reason why they all gave up on me first before I ever did, including you. Plot twist, I never left and I didn't give up.

I lost most of my friends in September. I guess, that is one memory I couldn't withdraw. I lost them not in the way you lose your hairbands or ponytails. I lost them in the process of losing myself. "Happy Birthday, Anna". It was something I couldn't forget because they all sang happy songs, but I couldn't even wish properly. I was sad and don't even know why. Then, one morning in October, I woke up with a little headache but with a voice trying to tell me, "Don't worry everything is going to be okay, soon." Yet, I've still been hated for being sad. I tried to stand with my own convictions. In the end, I did the sorry-ing, I've never felt so stupid in my whole life. Up to this day, I'm still waiting for an apology too. 

I hope you're not yet tired reading this letter. I need you to read this until the end, promise me. 

In November that was when everything was falling apart but ironically, something is also falling into place. While they were both happening, I was in madness. 

It was in December, when I realized, I don't belong to anyone anymore. I've messed up friendships, I give up too easily, I cry too much, fight too weak and hold grudges for so long but only inflicting pain in myself. I've ultimately lost myself with you.

My dearest, even if it that's the case, I would still choose you. I'd still fight for you and love you, despite not being loved in return. Because when we love, we don't just fall in it, we commit, we held ourselves responsible, we open the cages of our hearts selflessly, we ride with them no matter the difficulty, no matter how mad it's going to be. 

"I love you" and I'm not expecting for an "I love you just as much". 

As most love stories are, they end with a boom. But with you, our love story ends when you finally said, "I'm scared of losing you too" 

Hereafter, I found myself at last. 

Truly yours,

Thank you 2015 for such an unforgettable love story. Light up the sky!