October 31, 2015

To my broken laptop

I broke you, in the attempt to fix you.

maybe you were already too full of me
asking for space
when I still find it hard to let go
some memories, I cannot forget
especially, when I first met you

I'm writing in a crap way again
so much feels, few words
pauses, periods and deep breaths
I don't give a damn anymore,
even if it's just pretend

"I need to let you go
not because I didn't love you
but because it didn't feel right anymore"

Were those the exact words you said to me?
upon immediately shutting me out
and I never heard of you again
how many times did I try repairing?
3 times, Cmd + R = restore

I broke you, in the attempt to fix you.

when it felt like everyone is leaving me
for the dramas and things I always say
I found you sitting at the corner
able to absorb the tears on the trackpad while
I write another ode to life

An ode to life;

I was once a happy girl and then I fell in love
I wish they've understood, that being sad is in my system 
not because it consumes me
but because I chose to write it free,

Why would I be sorry for being sad?
I once read a quote that says;
         the sun doesn't even apologize for being the sun
         and the rain doesn't say sorry for falling.
Yet, I did say sorry, not for being sad
but for valuing friendships more than my convictions
and we still haven't talked

you were life and I was a feeling, we weren't good at combinations

albeit I still call this an ode for you and I

What happened to us? No, no. What happened to you?
have you gone cray when I left for a while
or when I have shown you the truths about me?
I'm not the girl you expected me to be
and that's when we fell apart

I tried deleting all the unnecessaries
and I accidentally deleted all of you
it was hard when you were gone
all I was thinking was when will you be back?
no. actually, it was 'when will you love me again'?

On this night I'm writing this letter
not to win you back nor apologize once more
I'm remembering the day you held my hand and told me;
"you can do it" when hope wasn't clear and loneliness reigns

before you collapsed,
you held my hand and told me:
"i cannot do it"

so I clicked delete, I broke you in the attempt of fixing you

Weren't you scared of losing me?
or are you willing to leave me too,
so as to teach me how it's like to be alone?
when in reality, what I needed more is to learn how to love myself
without the thought of missing you