July 21, 2014

Not for you

I wrote this while I was preparing for my law class (come on give me a break). It was in this day that I have realized how extremely lucky I am to have survived the typhoon despite having such a brittle house. I knew that I needed to write something about the typhoon after it just happened but I did not. I waited for 5 days, I thought of it long enough and I decided to write today. I was uninspired, meek, dumbfounded, I couldn’t find the perfect words to tell you how my experience turned out in the past few days. But, this is it.

I am always left out at home on regular days because my parents are always busy on some things (a friend told me to never post this on any public sites because of its danger, but it’s okay and I’m not even afraid to disclose it). This is always the reason why I am fond of reading or writing. I am not a fan of television shows except selected foreign series. Therefore, I am not always bored even if I am always alone at home, for I tend to do things I am very much interested in. Plus, I have my Internet; I can always talk to my friends (and I always do). However, 5 days have gone by and we still don’t have an electric power, and with that comes no Internet. I wasn’t sad because I still have my books.

But then, there was last night when I felt really sad. (Not in the usual manner) Sad but not sad. I don’t know. I guess I couldn’t express the feeling literally. I have no one to talk to and it was dark. It bothers me because that was the first time I felt really lonely, I felt the wanting of having to talk to someone and laugh with. I wanted to talk to you but I couldn’t because you might think I am exceedingly weird. I avoided it. I just stared at the walls and began to fall asleep.

I woke up today, eager to tell you what I have thought; I thought of the rich people, how they were during the typhoon, how was everything inside the house and how did they survived it? In whatever circumstance, still rich people are rich, how lucky they were. In contrast, I thought of the old ladies who went to church for Carmelite mass at that very hour and was stranded along the way for they couldn’t find their way home. I thought of the street children, the dogs, the bird’s nests, the cats astray, and the homeless. Where were they? It gives me chills and it makes me even sadder.  My experience during the typhoon was horrid because I thought our house is already going to give up. I never thought of the others at that moment. I was scared and thought of myself first (I call myself selfish for doing so), I guess you have done the same thing. Last night, I begin to wonder about the people around me. I wanted to ask them whether they truly cared or is it just their duty? I question the irrelevance of group messages that indicates, “Keep safe.” Do they really mean it? Or is it just a fad? If they knew I was lonely last night, would they even bother to talk to me? And those were the questions I wanted to ask you.

Before I end this long letter, I wanted to express how much I truly cared, not for duty or for fad. But because I really did care and if I could tell it upfront, I would. But I wouldn’t because I couldn’t. I will remain the talkative girl speaking shallow, acting indifferent and thinking she has nothing to lose. Although the truth is that I really, really cared and if I ever talk to you again. I hope you wouldn’t reply; “haha”. Because Glenda did and she’s a total bitch.  

Love, Patricia