July 26, 2012

Peace Love Life

Dear Life,

I always try my best to see you as something beautiful, as something that is comical, something romantic, But in the midst of that sight I find myself in the most horrible things. My idea about you is that, you're bipolar I can never understand you. Please let me understand you. 

I feel so sad right now and maybe tomorrow I'd be so happy again. You make me go crazy about myself. You are such a tease, why do you always make me feel like I'm an ugly unicorn? Do you prefer me being lazy just because I know that even if I move or try hard, I know I am never good enough? Why do you always give me heartbreaks by using the society? This terrible society, where beauty is only seen outside and can be edited by Photoshop, where leadership is measured by money, fame and lifestyle. Why? 

I hate you, then I will have to love you again because if not, everyone calls me weird. Sometimes, I feel like the weirdest girl in town and then I'd be so scared that everyone will hate me. I never want people to hate me :(

At times like this, I don't see you as beautiful anymore even though I always try to laugh with whatever bad pictures you give me. I stammer and stumble down. I am not an Achiever. Ok? I am not! But my friends are. All of them. Was that your biggest plan? To make me feel the dumbest? When my teacher calls me, uneducated because I write bad Filipino Grammar nor English Grammar, I feel insulted and then after a while, I realized maybe because I am. When my closest friend has that features that I always wanted to have, Was that your plan? To make me feel insecure or for you to show me that I never had the guts to touch lives as what I've always dreamed of?

I was never good at anything. Does that mean I can never do the best? 

The problem with you is that you make it seem hard, like accounting, that pushes me to give up. I am studying, I really do study, I am not smoking, I am not partying, I am a good girl, but why do I always fail? Why can't I stand up and be heard too? Like, when I am pissed because the school system was so disorganized, I can't speak up, because in the first place I never had the right or the power to do so (I am this ordinary student who can't even pass a simple math quiz). I just cry because my words are too shallow.

Life. Since from the beginning you were always so cruel to me, you gave me heartbreaks, regrets, unfinished goals and you put me in the world that revolves with insecurity and hopelessness. While doing the things I never love. You let me grow up and see bad things clearly. Why?

I always question myself, when will you ever answer me? The time where I can already see you as something magical, something romantic, something I'd be thankful about because I am alive. To be grateful because at last I have a purpose to be with you. To prove that I am better too, I can be beautiful, smart, artistic and fashionable like how I see myself in the mirror. To be honest, I am so sad because there are so many exploding bombs, my friends are really that smart and deep yet I am not. I feel so left out.

Please shower me with strength.

Truly yours,