At this point in my life, it's hard. It really is hard to describe all the feelings I have right now. I basically just leave my thoughts behind and focus on what I am currently doing, but in life you can never really hide the worst feelings.
It always bothers me when I am doing all I can to top the class although I know it's never gonna work, I'm not intelligent like my friends and classmates. I am always jealous and insecure about my brain capacity. I always ask God, Why I never happened to be as intelligent as others? Why I always got mediocre grades, when I'm doing everything I can? :( I might sound a bit of a hypocrite for not being thankful of what God has given me. However, It has always been me, I tried. I really tried but in the end, I always end up being torn down. Even if I don't, others will. This may also be the reason, why I was always bullied when I was in Elementary; I am stupid.
There's this extreme sadness, whenever I can't answer in class correctly. You know, I am this type of girl, who waits to be called in class. I always consider myself as a silent whip (not expressive, but has something to say). Well, that was before my teacher in accounting failed me, that was before I had my 'F', that was before I was confident with my Grammar, when I thought, I can handle all things. Then there came a point wherein I have to Change my ideals.
Wednesday Afternoon:
Teacher: Give me the importance of reading
XX: "Well, without reading we could never survive the troubles that life awaits. It helps you imagine the unimaginable. Helps you fully understand things"
Teacher: WRONG! Did you ever read what's in the Hand-Outs?!!!!!
XX: I was never given the hand-outs
I respect people and I wanted to be respected too :(
I blame myself, for being inconsistent about my goals. I blame myself for falling in love too much with one of the smartest guys in school. (I end up concluding, it was all an insecurity). I blame myself for being ambitious. My life was a failure. And for once, I want to do something right. For once, I want to excel. To make my parents proud, To show everyone that I am not just the blogger girl, but I am more than what they think I am. For once, I want to be Pretty in the eyes of everyone not because of how I look like but because I did what no one else can do. But sometimes, I just feel worthless.
