November 2, 2011

What If?

I've been spending my entire five hours, sitting and staring at the graves of my brother and my grandfather. You might be doing as well if you went to visit the graves of your love ones during all souls day and all saints day. I've asked myself, questions that I would always ask everyday the big: 'WHAT IF?'

What if they were alive, would my life be the same? It's as if asking ourselves questions that was never meant to be answered and sometimes I imagined them there with us, sitting happily too, wondering if I just don't hear them, wondering if they've also eaten our pizza =)))) and what if they're watching us, every day like Big Brother do. Oh well, it was these hours that I spent most of the time laughing with my family, it is in these hours that I value my family so much, it is in these hours that I hang-out with my cousins, I often see. It was also in these times that we realize the value of life, and life beyond. Have you ever asked yourselves, where they go after their bodies rot? or after their souls fly? We've never asked ourselves those questions because we are to busy with things, that sometimes we don't even remember them in our prayers. 

I lost my brother. before I was born, I never searched for him, I never knew him, I never saw his face except in photographs. I never really had a brother. So I just go on with life, because I thought I wasn't really affected. But during these hours, I have realized that all these years, I've been searching for affection I never known. It was in these moments that I can only open my eyes, and say that even after we were born we are already affected. Thinking, what if my brother was alive? we could have been happier, he could have had a soldier, an engineer or a priest to guide the household. Or Simply, a brother who would protect us, My sisters. A brother who will serve as our boyfriends, and we'd never find love anymore, and we'll never make mistakes in finding love anymore. Because we were protected.

But it was meant to be this way. For some reasons, I still don't know. but I am still figuring out. What if people never leaves? what if people don't die? Would it change our lives?