February 14, 2017

An open letter to my classmates

Happy Valentine’s Day!

I’ve been meaning to write a letter, or I guess I’ve been trying to. I have so much feels for the past few days, like my soul was held captive by the universe. But the words seem to slip away, and comes back during midnights when I am already free to cry. I will never apologize for being cheesy, what are feb 14s for?

I chose to write this letter to you not just because I wanted to inspire or tell you some shit about my life, but also because I want to help myself. I hope this will reach you – like arms stretching, able to hug you; Everything will be alright, bessy.

You are tired. I know, although I am always in denial, I am too. You are not alone. My soul is yearning for something that I couldn’t understand. I just wanted to put my life back together again – but I am already tired of trying and seeing it disjointed once more.

I know how it feels like to get your heart broken a million times, over a failed quiz or a failed preboard. More so, if you failed your favorite subject. You try to rebel. But being a rebel to yourself is the cruelest thing you could ever do. I’ve been cruel to myself a couple of times already. I mourn too much, self-pitied excessively. Sometimes, I get to a point when I already hate myself for being myself. It’s so easy to blame others, to curse our teachers, the choices we made, we curse life itself and even, our faith in our own Gods (believe me, I am currently at this level). It’s so tempting to quit. “Ahhhh fvck this shit!”.

My friends always believed that I am smart enough to survive this. At first, I thought I really could, but most of the time I just want to jump out of the building’s window and die.

But, it is not just that

“I am giving up”, how do you tell this to your family? To your parents? To the ones who believe in you? To those who’d probably say: “I knew it”? How do you tell your hopeful self, that you are already giving up?

A friend once told me, that if I insanely want something, I need to fall in love with the process of getting it, and not just the thought of it. I needed to drop the things that will hinder me from getting it, even if that entails saying goodbye to some meaningful things in my life. 
First, what is being in love?

Is it the same as holding the hand of someone you like, while watching a gig of your favorite band? The same thing as eating pizza after a heavy day? How about the goosebumps we get over a Korean series? I guess, it is more like, doing the things you are passionate about without caring whether you lack sleep or haven’t eaten supper. It is putting your heart into it, no matter the consequences because “damnit, I am in love with this.”  

Second, what is the process?  This. This whole goddamn feeling of not being enough. These bullshits. This every-fvcking-night of crying ourselves to sleep. These subjects with their own problems that we couldn’t even take. This system that carries our dreams. You need to be in love with it, even if it means facing your very own fears, your demons, and the ones that make you tremble. True love.

Lastly, the thought of it shall help you move forward.

Some of us have no other choice, but to continue this labyrinth. I agree. It is hard falling in love with something you don’t find happiness in. But, it is of the greatest thing to try loving, even if love itself denies you.

Some days, I would blame God for being so unfair. Do I really deserve this? Have I not given enough love? Or am I not enough? When is best, our best?

Sometimes, we question ourselves too much with BEER and midnight drinking sessions. Hoping the cigarettes would finally give us the answers. Some days, I’d rather write about beer than love, but more often than not, it is about the same thing.

So, how do you tell them you are giving up? First, you hold their hands like in marriage proposals. And then…

You don’t. Because you won’t. No one has ever given up on love, even if you don’t feel it anymore, even if it is hard. That’s the thing about it. (That’s the thing about prereview).

I am, honestly, quite jealous of you (but proud tho), for having the strength to continue every day, even if you slept the night crying and wanting to die. It sometimes disappoints me, how I am not like that anymore. I used to wake up every day with sad eyes, but with fighting spirit – now, I only wake up with sad eyes. Please, don’t ever lose the spark.

You are tired, you are almost giving up, you hate yourself, you hate your teachers, your subjects, your life, literally everyone and everything! Your heart is filled with hatred. Okay! Go on! Hate and hate and hate, until you finally realize that hate isn’t the opposite of love. And it still matters. Keep going.

I don’t know. I think I got fucked up when I didn’t study yesterday for the quiz – I regret it, too much, that was why I was able to write this letter. But, I think I got happier for finally putting this dumb shit together. Thank the heavens!

I will spend this day, trying to love myself again in spite of everything. I hope you would too, even though we'd spend the rest of the day studying. I hope we’ll all graduate and be called guardians of public interest, in the near future (if not really soon).

No. I haven’t given up yet. Even if I sometimes rebel. I hope we all wake up today with fighting spirit and full of love. After all, this is THE Valentine’s Day. 💙💙💙

"Courage, bravery and once in a while, blow your own damn mind"

your classmate

P.S. Grades don’t matter. It’s the willingness that does. (Always)

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