August 18, 2016

The First Letter I wrote for you

“Someday you’re gonna look back on this moment of your life as such a sweet time of grieving. You’ll see that you were in mourning and your heart was broken, but your life was changing.”

–Eat, Pray, Love (Elizabeth Gilbert)
Dear you,

Rarely do people see the bright side during the dark days. Before, I thought everything was composed of magic, rainbows and dancing sun. It is during the dark days that I get to see things clearly and differently, I get to surprise myself by doing things I never thought I could – this means much more to me, than quantifying my whole life by my average school standing. Although, at times I see myself crying inside a closed bathroom door, or on my bed beside scattered school papers. I still get to wake up with hopeful smiles and positive day dreams. But, that was before.

Today, I couldn’t even distinguish sadness, loneliness and happiness anymore, maybe I was just tired or that I had enough. I don’t know. Sometimes, I refuse feeling anything at all. It’s already a self-destructive habit. I still opt to continue what I was doing despite feeling like my whole life will just be this monotonous; failures after failures. Some people want me to believe I am almost to succeed, I hope they are right. Albeit, I just want this to end.

I originally planned on writing this as my first love letter to you. But, I began to wonder whether “love” is an appropriate term. It’s been a long time since I felt butterflies. I sense a cocoon inside the bones of this burning desire to write about love amidst pain and grieving. They don’t always go together, but when they do, it’s “chaos” while trying to fix what was once broken. I don’t mean to sound uber cheesy. I hope you’ll understand.

At the first time I met you, I smiled and thought to myself you are the brains I never had, the ghost among my hollowed pasts of loving people out of reach and ends up loving unrequitedly (if there's such a term). However, I’ve already stopped chasing people. I got tired of it – trying to give so much to people who don’t even give a damn about me. Right now, I’m actually trying to chase my dreams. When I try to think about it, aren’t I supposed to be excited? Yet, I’m more excited running away and seeing you, holding my hand and shouting, “Jump!” I miss feeling real things and real people. I miss conversations over beer and pizza. I miss my best friends, the other day I want to buy myself a bus ticket just to see them, and wrote a made up text message, “Haha bitches! I’m coming”. It’s been a really long time since I saw and hugged them. I thought, long distance relationships are just for lovers, but I guess I was wrong. I want to say to them, “I wouldn’t be disappointed anymore during graduation. I made it”. It’s sad to think, I’m too far away from making that happen. I want to believe, I still have my chance, but nevertheless, expecting the worse. As much as I want to feel all these butterflies again, I couldn’t, because sadness overpowers it all. I’m not the girl you are supposed to love, right now.

I now fully understand why not everyone sees the bright side during the dark days. It is at this moment, that we thought we are all out of purpose and out of love. The universe is against us, our life is about to end, there is no room for a dancing sun, anymore. It is painful and depressing, until someone steps right in and save you. I believe in saviors who bring light to your life. But, I believe more in a savior that is within us. So, please try not to save me, but if I am able to wash away the darkness successfully, I’m hoping you’ll be there for me to congratulate. I wish you’ll love me just the same. And if it’s alright, I want to fall in love with you too, and be able to say together, “Jump!”

But not today, not right now.

Love, Patricia

P.S. I’m still fighting

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