August 27, 2015

Rainbows are meant for lovers like us

To that person I'm scared of loving,

I've already read a couple number of stories about sappy lovelorn; writings involving unrequited love, the love that is not openly reciprocated, "I love you but not in the way you want me to". Most of the time, I'm writing in this context because this is the only "romantic" love I have ever experienced/known (Including, those of my studies who have never really loved me back despite the hard work). I never had a serious relationship or those relationships with labels. The gravest romantic heartbreak I ever had was when my 6th grade crush fell in love with my best friend, and that was the end of it. Today, failing in my accounting subjects is the real deal, falling in love with someone who is not socially acceptable is the conflict. Viva! Rainbow Pride, you've found another confused and lost soul. I am in love with you, girl.

The thing is, what I feel for you is slowly becoming hard to understand. That is scary. I am not as expressive as you think I am, I'm skittish at saying the words "I love you" even if it's just for Pizza. You'd find me studying my lessons and getting dozed up by the lies trying to sound nonchalant with the way I feel for you. 

Trust me. I didn't know how this happened, I just suddenly "felt" it. But that is not the logical way to explain this; maybe it was when you were there for me at my low moments, when you held my hand and told me, "You are smart, anna. I believe in you" despite the big F on that paper I was crumpling during that day. No, it was how you let the sun in when all I think about was cry in bed listening to Hozier. I fell in love when I was almost giving up with life.

I always believe that love is gender-less. Sexuality has nothing to do with our feelings, our convictions, and with our being. Sexuality is not the mere measurement of what we are as persons. Love all kinds of love, let love win. I'm not scared of loving you simply because we are of the same-sex. I am more scared of the thought that feelings do not last. I am afraid of losing you and this is how I know I fvcked up.

Like most lovers would understand, the scariest thing about the idea of love for me, is not getting to love people, the same way I've loved them, at the first time I've held their hands; Or at the first time I saw them smile. I'm afraid of not feeling the same way like this tomorrow. It's Oxytocin and Dopamine raised high. 

However, you cannot make a person love you the same way you want them to. Sometimes, you think they feel the same way about you, but they come with truths like knives. In anyway, I am not interested on finding out what truths they are holding, what responses are they up against and what answers they'd try to say with, "I love yous" and "I want to be with yous". I am mostly terrified of that. So I will try to say good night, even if I am not yet done with talking, I'll cut the conversation out because there's so much I want to say, but it's not anymore going to matter. I'm scared of loving people when they are not ready to love me the same way I love them.

And that is the most selfish thing I've ever written, for you. [But, you'd still never know that this is for you]

Good night!

P Squared