May 27, 2015


To whoever wants to read this,

Do you know what it feels like when you have so much to say but you just can't seem to fathom the right words? That's exactly what I feel right now. I don't know, maybe I should go back to reading classics or simply reinforce my vocabulary. Last night, I started crying for no reason at all. I began to feel sad, angry, and mostly scared. Those are feelings I try to avoid, I promise to never give in to negative thoughts anymore and I remind myself not to invest too much on emotions, but sometimes I couldn't help it. I hate being such a sentimental brat and a drama queen. 

Lately, I've been scribbling words while trying to come up with a new prose but so far I haven't chosen the exact words for it yet. I want to write something about how I'm truly scared of the coming years; I mean, I want to prepare myself to all the coming stresses and new heartbreaks. I am scared of what might happen. No, I am a lot scared of 'what might not happen'. I try to comfort myself by trying to make myself believe that I am courageous, this is not to overstate but to make myself aware of the things that I can do, if I am. I decided to redirect my life again, to commit whole-heartedly to the choices I made even though it scares me so much, "It's never too late to be what you might have been". 

"The scariest thing is when people look up to you but you know the truth about your own self" (@poemsporn_)

The thing is, when I say; I will redirect myself, that doesn't mean I will already become the best, I will top my classes or be more articulate when it comes to writing and speaking. What I meant was that, I will try to become a better person, to improve despite all my flaws and failures. Now that I said it, I haven't had a day that I didn't dream for my life to be like the movies, how heroes/heroines rise up after a major fall-out (like Cinderella or Chris Gardner). I hope I become that kind of heroine, wherein at the end of the day, even after all the 2am cries, I will rise up and have my own happily ever after. However, real life doesn't work that way. There're others who're going to be more successful, more beautiful and smarter than I am; better heroines should I say. In the end, the phrase "She lived happily ever after" will exist only in my wildest ambitions because my life isn't written by J.K. Rowling or Walt Disney and I am no Albert Einstein; It scares me a lot. I am terrified of not being able to break mediocrity, of proving myself smart, of making myself worthy, of not fulfilling the promises I have made. Most of all, I am terrified of the possibility that my words might turn out to be useless 2 weeks, months and years from now. I might turn out to be a villain of my own self. 

But despite all that, I am still raising my red flag. "Have courage and be kind" no, no, "Have courage and raise your middle finger to all that terrifies you" I am no Cinderella. Stop the drama, do it!

Truly yours,