November 9, 2014

"We are our Choices"


Dear Jean Paul Sartre's words,

Okay. You condemned me to be free. 

I've been feeling blue. There were times when I can't help but cry or mourn for the wrong choices I've made for the past three years of my life, ever since college started. I even told myself, "I''m living from a bad choice". Sometimes I got used to being sad that there were already moments when I don't know the reason to why I'm sad or why I'm acting different. Many times I just shut up and blog about it or stare at the walls all day thinking about my life. "Self-loathing at its finest", they said.

"We are our choices." So maybe, I'm eccentric for choosing not to follow my heart. Or the other way around. In any case, I still don't know what my heart really desires, so there's actually no point in saying it. I've been trying to write a letter to my first-year college self, to the girl who once had cheerful hopes and dreams in life, to that girl who have proven herself creative, "I wanted to be a fashion journalist." And yet, she chose something people did not expect, "I wanted to become a CPA because maybe, I wanted to prove some people wrong." I hope, I had told her to stop acting brave and strong because she can't handle it. However, she might have rebutted it again, "I can handle it and I'm handling it now!" silly debater girl. 

"We are our choices." So maybe, I'm more courageous for choosing the path that wasn't for me. Or finding what my heart really desires, in a path I've never been to. After all, business school taught me that doing what you love is a horrible advice. I've been trying to write a letter to my first-year college self, to the girl who once was a silly girl who doesn't know anything about her life, to that girl who have proven herself out-spoken and street smart, "I wanted to be a non-conformist writer". And so she put up a blog where she could rant even in a manner people doesn't like. And then she said, "I wanted to become a CPA because I chose to believe in certainties instead of maybes." I hope, I had told her to stop self-loathing because if she ever looked back from where she started, she may possibly believe in herself at last. She battled hard, and there's no stopping it. However, she might have rebutted it again, "I cannot do it anymore! I want to give up!" Liar. We all knew, you still want a victory speech. 

I chose not to be sad today Jean Paul. Maybe, tomorrow but not today. I am tired of writing the same things, over and over again. Giving up, not giving up, letting go and keep going. Today, I chose to let things be. If I ever cry again tomorrow, I know I can get over it and I always do. Things for me are not yet okay. But, I am working on it. I am happy and that's what this is all about.

And so I wonder, what I am for the choices I did. So I made up my mind and I chose the word, "Sweeter." It's always sweeter the second, third, fourth and infinite times around.

Hopefully, I'm graduating but this is definitely not the last ;)




Love,
Patricia