March 1, 2014

Heartaches and Maybes

"Maybe I am just too scared that someday those people who believed in me, will not anymore. I hope someday is not today." 

I still remember my younger self wishing, she had a heartbreak. I'm not kidding. When I was in the 9th Grade, I am always curious of how it feels like to have my heart broken by someone, you see I have classmates back then, who cries and cries and cries because their boyfriends left them, and I was like "what the heck?", I thought it was a wonderful feeling, it's the only time when your friends, comfort you, make you feel very special, and that behind every heartbreaks there are stories and quotes to be written. So my younger self wishes to had her heart broken. Then today, I finally had it! I can have my party now.

The feeling was so surreal. But why do I feel so sad?

Maybe I wasn't really worth it like how I used to think I am. Maybe I was living a big fat lie

It was like being too happy and being too sad all at once. It was like hearing your dreams getting crashed to death. It was like seeing a rainbow turns black. It was like taking the last chance and you didn't take it. It was like sweeteranna, writing a bitter blogpost. It was like wanting to stand up when my teacher called out 40 over 40. But I didn't. because, I don't deserve it. because I am not worth it, like how I used to think I am. 

I wanted to run away and test if people would look for me, I wanted to fall off a cliff and let someone catch me. Yet, I know there isn't anyone who wanted to save me from all of this.

Maybe this is the end or Maybe I should try again. Maybe trying won't help anymore, maybe I should pray harder. Maybe I should look for a falling star, maybe I was the falling star. Maybe I had it, the star, you know, yet I didn't catch it, because I was busy trying to be someone else, trying to fit in. Maybe I am just too scared that someday those people who believes in me, will not anymore. I hope someday is not today.

"It's going to be okay", my younger self told this to a broken hearted friend before. The truth is, I feel like it's not going to be okay. If I ever believe again that it will, I am going to live a lie again. But I can't help it, I am the girl with convictions, that's why I hate hearing answers, that entails "it depends". I still believe that I can make it, that I am still intelligent and witty and strong. Though, how juvenile this can get, I still believe I have something to offer, that maybe people who thinks the opposite will someday say "Wow! I should have known this girl". That maybe someday my highschool crush would say, "I should have taken this girl to prom". Hence, after being told the truth today, after crying and telling myself I can't do it anymore, that I don't really have something to offer. I STILL and WILLING to believe in those lies. 

Why wouldn't you stand-up when your teacher called out the perfect score? If you still know inside, you can. You just have to Stand-up. 

"It's just a broken heart not a broken dream, you know perfectly well that it's a blessing," said my younger self.

P.S. Sorry for ranting too much about school.