May 25, 2013

Too many feelings, little knowledge

This is the time of the night when it's beautifully peaceful in my room, I can only hear the buzz of airconditions, the little droplets they make, the barking dogs in the neighboring houses, I can almost hear the sound of my breathing. I need to write this moment, when I found solace in the midst of loneliness and depression. You might think that depression is a kind of big word to say but It's true what I feel right now is beyond sadness.

The truth is I cannot label it anymore, I cannot label the feelings I have with the teachers who broke every expectations I have for them, I cannot label the feelings I have for my school, I cannot label the feelings I have for everyone around me, I cannot anymore pin point what's wrong, what should be done, what I should do, what I really needed to do or what to say? In order to satisfy everyone. Clearly, I had enough of pleasing other people, I don't want to live this way. 

I always ask myself, where does sadness comes from? I always see sadness as if it's a spice to the story, I always view my life as a one big movie. The thinking sometimes cheers me up. But what I really know about this is that I'm sad because I know I don't deserve being sad. I don't deserve this at all. 

I am pissed, with what I have become in college, I used to be the girl with so much optimism in her life. One day, I'd be a writer of a fashion magazine. The next day, an Accountant and so on. However, right now, I don't feel like going to school anymore, I can't anymore see the point of going to school. I feel like no one will ever really understand you at school, for they only see you as a numerical form, as an A, B+, B, C+, C, D and F. They never count the sacrifices you had, they never count how long have you been up in the night solving problems, They never count whether you truly are meant to be in that position. They never truly care if you sacrificed your money for a new pair of sandals you've been saving in exchange for photocopies of hand-outs. They will never care how afflicted you were that exam day. Do they know how heartbreaking it is to know you've failed in a subject you've sacrificed the most or the subject you've been anticipating all your life? They will never truly understand 'you'. They will never care about the agony you're facing just trying to go to class every morning. The worse thing is the fact that they have already felt all of these things. Where's Cura Personalis? Shocking, how the horrors that I only read in books, have become real. They were like monsters trying to eat my dreams instead of giving encouragement. 

I feel a pang of pain seeing my accounting books, it's just sad that I couldn't just grasp it like what I did at the very beginning. I always try to excel, but up until now, It seems like I haven't really done something right in my life. I feel so useless and dumb and I know it's bad to blame other people but I really really really am so tired of thinking who to blame (Me? Of having my best not good enough).

Studying in College is a Pain I can never outrun. I think that's what makes me really sad, the over-thinking of how to go out of this pain. My circadian rhythm is also pretty messed up because there are so many things going on inside my head right now. At the end, does it really matter anyway? The Grades? The Title? I doubt it for we are all gonna die anyway.


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