Talaarawan

I broke my laptop a few days ago, so I'm currently writing using my phone. I was honestly planning to buy myself a new Ipad this year, with the magic keyboard, so I'm starting to think that the universe wanted me to just buy a new laptop. Let's see what the destiny holds (lol). 

Anyway, I'm writing using my chatty voice to convey the message, that I'm on my way to healing. I've suffered from symptoms of major depressive disorder a few months ago (according to my RPm) and I wasn't able to write so much, or at least publicly. Then, here I am. 

You are probably wondering why I chose this title. It's actually from one of Ben&Ben's songs. I got addicted to them recently (weird but I don't care). I've been a fan of them ever since, I remember liking "Ride Home" for the longest time. I even ended my testimonial speech back in 2018 with a lyrics from the song "Susi" which at that time was not yet pitched in for the Goyo film. Yah, lol I've been a fangirl. So, I chose this title because  it means 'Diary,' and because this post is a little chatty, a little personal, and the only time I told you about my depression. 

I decided to write because apparently, I feel like I'm having an existential crisis. Yes. Apart from the pandemic crisis, I am also having a crisis of my own. Or, probably just the quarter life crisis. Idk.

Have you ever felt like you are on the wrong place? Like, you could be doing something, somewhere else and be much better at it? I do. I've been a CPA for the past 3 years, and I still feel like I'm unaccomplished, to be honest. 

Listening/watching the band, Ben&Ben, for the past few weeks of my life, gave me realizations that I might not be where I am supposed to be (not that I want to be musician or something). It just that, I see so much passion in what they do, and I wanted to feel that for myself too. I think I've lost most of my passions, talents, and childhood ambitions, when I chose the corporate path. In reality, there weren't really opportunities that came my way for me not to choose this path. But, there's this certain longing, a fire inside of me that feels trapped. I don't even know what I'm going to do about it. Where am I supposed to go? Or if there is such a place for me, when will I start looking? Or perhaps, am I too late for it?

The problem is, the only thing I'm sure about is what I don't like (kidding, I'm still in doubt). I'm not really going to be good in the corporate world, I'm never interested in climbing the ladder, or following certain standards or approaches. I feel like I will never be better at this. So yes, I fear for dying unaccomplished. 

I've read somewhere, that we shouldn't work to find happiness or meaning, instead we should focus on making our work meaningful. I've been trying ever since, and all I've got is depression.

Sometimes, I regret going out of the audit firm too soon. Most of the time, I blame people who made me choose to leave. There is still so much to prove, so much left unsaid and undone. And, I always say this to myself, "I could've done better, and it's not my loss, I left." But, it's too late. 

So yeah. I'm ending this blog with a little hope that someday. I will be able to find what I'm really good at, my calling, and die having a purposeful life (and not get stuck).

Here's to all those looking for meaning or purpose, looking for a place in this world, trying to make their everyday lives meaningful. I hope we all get to share the fire and light inside of us. Someday.

Someday.

Thanks, Ben&Ben.

Love, Patrish