Here we are

At 1:58am as I was going over all the crazy things that happened this year - the cruelness and the magic, how they perfectly blended into one insane year, I find it impossible to write everything in detail, all I can ever do is recall feelings, and those things are difficult to impart. I will try.

On finding Love

I started this year as a mad Maria Clara, writing for a boy that doesn’t even count anymore, or so I thought. I’m giving him all the kindness I could’ve given him at the start of this year. But then again, I don’t regret anything. Maybe, he's not worth it or the other way around. Nonetheless, whatever he felt, I just wished I could’ve told him that he matter. When I write about people they really matter, whatever the context they're may be in.

I brought that up because, people told me that this was a good year to find love. I was excited enough to prove it, though how badly desperate it sounded. Whenever I tell my closest friends about my sexuality, the most common thing they say to me is to get a boyfriend to test it. As if, getting into a relationship is an answer and as if, I still don't know what my preference is. 

I believe in the genuineness of love so much, that it bothers me how could people easily fall prey to the surfaces. Where is substance and rawness? The love that is with conversations, the randomness of the things you do out of love even without noticing it. You see, I'm not a fan of formality. I want connection more than the cheese. When they told me about getting love (or shall we say, getting into a romantic relationship) this year, I've always looked for it in the obvious places. But, love this year took a different form, it wasn't through a romantic relationship. It was in my grit, my dreams, and new friendships I never knew will exist. I've felt it because pain didn't matter. 


Surviving Pain

Majority of the days this year are cruel enough to be put into the garbage. A giant full of emotions deserving of being thrown out. Hence, my avoidance to feelings. According to my friend, "The only way you survive pain, anna, is to not feel at all." I'm not so sure if she was right, but it somehow worked. I would like to recall the numbness, when I was failing in every aspect of my life. It was as though, I couldn’t survive it any longer. Meanwhile, just when everything was going down hill, I was actually being brought to a better place. (I have so much to write about this, but there will be the perfect time.) 

The most humane days of our lives are not exactly the best days of our lives; when you are feeling hopeless, your purpose dying, and you cannot even breathe deeply is the time when we get closer to the universe. Good things happen to good people, as they say. But, better things happen to brave people who don't easily walk away. This year has taught me a lot of things, but my favorite is this: bravery is certainly not the absence of fear.

The Plot Twist

We all talk about our 2017 plot twist, I would not say I got mine like the movies - an epic change to a person living in slums, rather the plot twist of my life happened piece by piece, something that still need to be put together. It hid behind my loneliness and depression. It was in my friends' warm embraces, words and kisses. Some were hidden in sleepless nights, failures and bad choices. It took me for a while to figure out that some of the best things in life are already in our hands, we just need to look closer. Life isn't always the way we imagined it will be, but whatever it is, we have the capability of making things less toxic and cruel; It is a chance to take action - to put together the best plot twist of our lives. Our plot twists aren't always wrapped in ribbons, with confetti and fireworks. Most of the time, they come with tears and a short pang of sadness. “I can’t do it, anymore.” Yet, plot twist: here we are

Faith

“Just put your heart into it, Anna” a friend told me while I was sharing about my worries, that I'm probably not studying enough. I always felt like I wasn’t enough, that I could always do better and that I could do more. Usually, when I think about these things, I cry. But lately, all I ever do is pray. You might not have the same God as mine, or does not believe in it at all. But I advise you to try holding on to your own faith. Mine, felt like holding the hand of my love, and in that moment even hands felt like home. 

People told me that this was a good year to find love. I was excited enough to prove it, and all along I thought I failed. But as try to go over everything, maybe I really did find it, albeit it took a different form. I found love even if it didn’t last long, I found it when I failed, when I wasn't able to graduate on time. I found it in homesickness and in kindness that has long been missing. I found love in circumstances when I was trying to piece together my own plot twist: raw, random and with enough connection.

I think I’ve never been this in love. You are insane, 2017

So, as I end this letter, I want to remind you that even if this was, somehow, a shitty year for most of us and we have failed to execute most our resolutions. Don't despair - we can always begin again and again and again, we just never stop loving. Be brave and have faith. For now, hold my hand, allow yourself to realize that you've come a long long way. Here we are on a day when we all thought we'd never make it, yet we did. 

My story is not yet over, in fact the real fight has just begun. “Love, only love will free us."

Truly yours,

Anna

Happy New Year!