April 9, 2016

I wish you could've stayed longer

I've been feeling a bit blank lately, and I don't mean to sound as if I'm not anymore interested in writing. It's just that, I'm beginning to fall out of something that have been driving me to write "the feels", I guess, I used to romanticise things so much and now, I barely even care. It's definitely not okay, I'm scared of losing passions, one by one, because of rigorous business school and accountancy. Nonetheless, I wouldn't let that happen. Here's a letter, to the person whom I've been thinking about lately:

To my (ex) best friend,

I wish you could've stayed longer. 

I believe in the force that, either bring people back together or pull them away. I also believe, in the force that brings out poetry, music and art. As I close my eyes, and wonder what kind of force is pulling me to write this letter despite my pride and lack of motivation, I began to remember, you us. 

You know how I've always wanted to have this kind of love life; where we do adventures together. Or the kind of lover, who'd care to visit me whenever I'm sick. The point is, I have this certain perfect ideology of the kind of partner (no matter what gender) I would spend the rest of my life with. I'm a sentimental hopeless romantic, as you've said. 

I never exactly had the idea, as to why you've suddenly disappeared in my life. There are stories I've heard and read, about relationships falling apart; breaking-up because they fell out of love. These are mostly painful stories, the tragic ones. Most of the time, the causes are typically unexplainable: they just happen. When I lost my earphones the other day, I felt like something in me is missing, like I couldn't even sleep without it, so, I keep on finding it, I've looked and searched everywhere, even at the most impossible places. I never found it. I must have dropped it somewhere, and have fallen into someone else hands. Often times, we never really know the value of a thing, until it is gone. Just like people.

There they are again; "the should've beens and could've beens". I wouldn't write it. Some things are gone for good, even if you still feel a little heartache whenever you think about them, how they made you feel for a moment, for the sudden gust of winds during your adventures, when you held each other shoulder to shoulder 10 years ago, thinking, what would we be like 10 years from now? I wish I could've put my arms over your shoulder a little longer. 

To my best friend, I've always told you about my future lover, the dream come true, how hopeless I was in high school, writing love stories with the help of taylor swift's songs. Remember when, I used to call you the Serena to my Blair Waldorf? That was something. As I close my eyes, and wonder what kind of force is pulling me to write this letter, I began to remember these moments. Why am I even looking for my love story, when our story is greater than my own ideology? The thing is, even when you want people back in to your life, it would never be the same as it once before.

People associate me as to being independent, someone who can traverse through the toxic-insane manila alone, and still find her place somewhere. Someone who belongs to almost anything; one day she's a "her", next thing we know she is rallying for LGBT rights. A girl who finds herself in diverse set of friends, and will enrol herself at any course without even an ounce of fright at being alone - what a girl, I must be. Yet, this is probably the biggest misconception about me. I, too, cry at night for being lonely, and sometimes I crave for a good conversation with no one else but with you, until you became an ex-best friend. 

I believe at the force that brought me to write this, and that force is the same as the ones that bring us to make poetry, music and art. So, I wouldn't say good bye again, I prefer saying, thank you for bringing in back "the feels".

Wishing you well,
Blair Waldorf