May 10, 2014

To that person I am hopelessly in love with

"I like the way he looks at me. Like I wanna believe in myself" -Serena Van der Woodsen

First of all, I wanted to let you know, I am not desperate nor do I depend my happiness to finding that perfect true love. I am not what you think my title is. I am the girl, you sit beside with everyday at school, with a serious look on the face, pretending I don't care. I am the girl, you've always thought of as outspoken, someone who is crazy and bipolar. I am the noisy girl who eats chocolate cake secretly at the library or the girl who is constantly feeling terrible of how her grades turned out. I am the smart, non-conformist and talkative girl you've always thought of. Partly, yes maybe. Although you should know, I am the girl who secretly hopes for you and is neither expressive nor smart. 

Sometimes, I wonder how I got here or how I've ever known you. My feelings stand between infatuation and love but I still want to believe that this isn't love nor infatuation but a simple attraction. I felt it, when you held my hands and told me, "You can do it" when hope was not clear and loneliness reigns. My friends told me I am being friendzoned, but then again we were never friends in the first place, we just knew each other as classmates or a friend of a friend. I didn't consider it as being friend-zoned, I still don't know where to locate that kind of zone.

I blame my books for putting me in a fairytale mentality; putting me up with the belief of destiny and romantic nuisance. Thinking there'd be that perfect slow motion moment when you and I suddenly meet. But that isn't just right, because I knew we were never really for each other, it's very one-sided. You have never thought of me as a girl who is in love, but a girl who is reading and fantasizing about her dreams in life. Often, I am blabbing about how frustrated I am with my exam grades but really I just want to hear you say, "It's okay. Okay" However, this is not a movie nor a John Green book. And, I am no better than Shailene Woodley. 

There were times when I cannot experience something without wishing you were there to see it, too. I will wait for you to talk to me and when you don't, I'll still wait. I will wait for that beep on my phone, or that bump and "hi" but I'll always go the other way. Things get awkward and I don't always get noticed. Sometimes, I'd look at you and I'll pretend I was looking for someone or I'll act as if I am busy with school stuff. There were days, when I will call for you and ask you about our homework, lax and not caring at all but deep beneath my soul is a heart that keeps on beating. You took my breath away and you still doesn't know. Quiet is all that I am (Please read the poem).

I keep on writing about you and tomorrow you'd ask me about this, as to whom this is for, because you'll never know to whom this really is for or if this is about you, no you'd never know that this is about you because I'd tell you it's fictional and I'll laugh and tell you jokes. But all I want was for you to know, that this is how I felt for you. But I won't tell. 

Standing between love and infatuation,
The Girl with Unrequited Love

P.S. Promise, I won't screw you.