Spark

 

It’s been 11 years since I started this blog. I figured, even after all these years, I’m still not good at this. I still cringe on the things I wrote, even on the things that I’m currently writing. Nevertheless, I keep them, because it feels like a betrayal to my younger self if I hid them all away.

I’m writing again after a year, because I somehow felt the need to write for myself again. I’m terribly lost. Lost. Lost. Lost.

I thought at 27, I’d be living my life like Carrie Bradshaw; falling in love, drinking champagne, impeccable style, and shopping. No one warned me about the bills that came with being an adult. Those ideals died the moment I knew I wasn’t going to be anything like her. Nothing dramatic, it’s just the reality. I think, after the pandemic lockdown, I’ve already succumbed to the idea that I’m not meant for anything big. So, I’m just trying to have some peace.

But the funny thing is, I still feel it – in the pit of my stomach – that I needed to do something else, although not intensely big, like stopping capitalism or global warming (although that excites me), but something purposeful, a different kind of fulfilled happiness.

During the past few months, I still cry on the thought of my younger self, the ideals that she had and the person she could’ve been. How did I get into this bizarre place, where I always have to prove myself? Back then, I had this little blog and I thought I was meant to be great. Right now, I couldn’t even speak, or much worse, write.

In the next few months, I will be going somewhere far, to search for something that was lost. I’m trying not to put any expectations, nor unnecessary drama, but I’m hopeful I will finally be able to get up and be a different person, the one I want to be. Honestly, it’s a challenging task, but this time, I hope I’m doing it not to prove myself, but to improve who I am.

I will never be Carrie Bradshaw, nor will I ever be relevant enough to have a memoir. But I’ll be the better kind because I’m going to write my own story. No one will ever write a better version of me than myself. I will be kinder, and much understanding, that even if I am not as good as the great people I look up to. At least I know I’ve tried. I’ll always be happy knowing that I wasn’t ultimately lost. Just behind the crowd letting all the feelings in, until there is spark.

Regards, Patricia