The Dangers of Not Knowing

Today, I gazed at my own agony of feeling extremely sad for no reason. So I ask myself if this is insanity: level 1

There are days when I feel like quitting my job, running away from it, although my moral conscience does not agree. I am not the type to leave a team and certainly not a quitter. I just want to run away but I don't know where. 

Sometimes, I  feel like I don't deserve to feel sad - I'm blessed with family and friends who care too deeply. I have a decent job with trainings that help me be better. I don't earn much but I am able to eat good food and shop once in a while. I have all these, but sometimes I feel like the world is collapsing and I have nothing, not even strength. 

There is this struggle to pull myself together each day. I find that I will never be good enough. That there are things not meant for me, although how much I want it. I want to be good, but I always fall short. That there are seasons for blooming, then there are for fall, and I should be both but I'm nowhere in between. That I could always aspire to be kind, but there are days when I get furious and hurt other people's feelings. I get furious when I figured I have no voice for world problems. I couldn't even find the right audit procedures for a certain line item. I get sad for no reason. I get sad for being small.

The world gets heavier. The times are rough. How do I pull myself together?

Today, as I gazed at my own agony of feeling extremely sad for no reason. I ask myself again: have you survived days like this before?

I did. Many times. Insane.

Love,

Patricia