We all have our fears, some of them we may outgrow, some of them we carry along the way, some of them we are not aware of and then they surprise you.
You came as a surprise. There is silence between us - the kind of silence that pierce through, and we can both feel it somehow
Amidst all those hatred thrown against me, words that said, "you don't deserve to be loved" and that there were times when I sometimes believe it. My pasts have told the universe, that I am never capable of loving. How many times have I given up on love for my cynicism? and how many times have I cried for love in silence? I lost count. I was told that I only deserve the pain I inflicted, only the pain.
Then, you came. Not from a slow-mo with Never the Strangers in the background. It was just calm, pure calm.
You told me that love wasn't meant to be overthought. That no one apologizes for feeling too much or not at all. That we live in the age where it's okay to take as much heartbreak as possible, and fall in love just as much, because that is what really matters at the end of the day.
I never really understood how it's like to live in the moment. But, we started holding each other's hand on an empty parking space, and I don't know how it's like in the movies, but it almost felt like that.
We'll keep partaking our favorite songs, and listen to it at night. We'll drink enough margaritas and tequila sunrises and be bullies of each other throughout the night. We'll smoke fvcking expensive cigarettes and feel guilty why we did it, but still do it anyway. We'll deliberately walk slowly again on busy streets where people walk on a rush, just to annoy them. We'll be talking about shallow stuff, because we always pretend we dislike the cheese. After everything, we'll laugh at all the stupid things we do. We'll keep falling, falling all the time. I don't know what we are, but this thing keeps me going.
It has been a year since I wrote about love that was utterly true. And it has been months, when I thought I could never write something like this again.
On a rainy 3:00 am morning, while we were walking home with tipsy heads, laughing our ass off for the stupid decision we have made. I started looking for words that would describe how I feel. Then, I saw myself stupidly smiling at the kind of love we are staging - the kind I am willing to fight for. You were fear and love at the same time, I am home and nothing else matter.
You made me believe that I am still capable of loving. That I could pick-up broken pieces and make it whole again. The thoughts inside my head are complicated, but you understood them anyway. You heard me at my loud silence and made me feel things once again.
My pasts were wrong when they told the universe: I don't deserve it. They were all wrong, and I don't need to prove it.
Though how much hatred the world will give us, while we fear that maybe someday this will end too. We will be invincible, holding each other's hand. We are living in this moment. Today, it's just us against the world.
Always,
AP 💖
