Comforts and Discomforts

There are days, when I just scroll through my Pinterest looking for some good home interiors, and the whole afternoon would be just dreaming about my future space as well. Ah! The comfort when I feel like running away from the real world or adulthood, I imagine places that are close to childhood memories. It was always easier for us back then. Looking back, I always felt like those days were difficult days, but then as we grow older, things are just getting rougher and rougher. Don't you just, kind of, want to live those moments the same way they happened?

To be honest, I'm really scared of going in the reality of LIFE, I always felt like I'm still innocent. That there is greater good amidst everything that is happening, but you can't always just turn blind-eye. When I officially became a Certified Public Accountant, there were still days when I doubt myself - Do I truly deserve the title? What does that make me? I always ask my employer during interviews, what my responsibilities are, because quite honestly, I still can't comprehend, what the society expects me to do? (though, of course I had 6 rough years studying the concepts) What bigger things are there for me to carry? What does the future hold for me? I can't still grasp the fact that I can now be held liable for my opinion. Or that, is this where I truly wanted to be?

The latter can be quite stressful. I think I got a little depressed thinking about it. I've read a lot of twitter accounts where they too felt the same and I want to believe, this is all just part of the process. The suffocation, the little space given to you for growth, the limit - when all this time, you always thought that the story would end up great, but the reality isn't like the movies. It is bad. You'd spend your life trying to fake things: the way you dress, carry yourself and the way you speak. Until, you get to blend in. 

I could've chosen to go the other way, or to turn my back and just live with my parents in the province, it would've been great. What comforts and happiness could it make right now? The thing is, that is not what I think we were made of. I think we were made of adventures and misadventures. Growth is not found in our comfort zones, growth lies beneath hardships and unending sacrifices. Until, we finally realized we have become the person we wanted to be. The world is Big. The reality is worse than we thought. People are gonna stomp on you. The human nature isn't always perfect but we can always do the right thing. Yep, it is big, but we are bigger. I am bigger. Yes it's worse, but we are better. They will stomp on you, but at the end of the day whose shoes are gonna break? 

I am scared, really. But, I didn't become a Certified Public Accountant just so I could do something comfortable. I was meant to tell a story. I hold the highest regard of public interest. And, much like other professionals, we are called for a purpose. Maybe, we all feel shitty for not being able to understand things yet. Maybe, it's not today. I don't know what the future holds, I don't know if this is something I wanted. All I know is that, it was given to me because I deserved it, that I am stronger and bigger than the reality of the world. I don't know what the fvck I am doing here, but I feel like I'm on the right place. It's hard, but all things were hard before they were ever easy, right? 

When I try to look at my pinned home interiors, and imagine myself creating something beautiful out of a tragedy, that what makes me see life more beautiful (cheesy, I know). I think that is what I was meant to do. 

So, you're lost, I'm lost, we both are. Let go of the illusion that it could have been any different, if we have chosen the other way.  Hold on. We are growing, bro. This is exactly where God wants us to be. 

Love always,

Patricia

Photo: Pinterest. Ctto

This is not the end

Hindi po ako magaling

People would frequently ask me, “Bakit ako nagaccountancy?” “Kaya ko ba?” at nang nagshift po ako to FA, someone called me out and said “Yuck! Nagshift!” 

I was not exceptional. I’m not from the Honor’s class, I don’t have any Latin Awards, and I’ve never been in the President’s list.  I’m not the type of classmate na tinatabihan if there were group studies or assignments. Growing up, I honestly believed that I am not worthy of any recognition because I felt like I don’t belong anywhere.

Hindi po ako kasing galing ng mga kapatid ko; mga CPA po sila, ang isa ay grumaduate sa law school bilang class salutatorian sa maynila, at pinsan na 3^rdCPA board placer – ateneo alumnus.

I grew up living behind the shadows of great people, that it became harder for me to recognize my own worth. 

Hindi ako magaling. Pero, lumaban po ako. 

Lumaban po ako hanggang sa makabalik ako sa BS Accountancy. Hanggang sa maging prerev at hanggang sa maging CPA.

Lumaban po ako.

Sinumpa ko po ang prerev, thinking how unfair the system was. The toxcity. The every day crying, pushing myself to go to school despite of depression. I would have jumped the building the moment I was told I wouldn’t graduate on time. I was this close of doing that. Prerev is a hell. But, who would’ve thought that one day, I would be grateful that it happened? Pain helped me become the person I am now. So, trust the process. 

To all prerev people who are still listening and even those who are not: You’ll get your heart broken. Sometimes, you’ll find yourself lost and even worse than that. Cry really, really hard. But, never give up. Find yourself and believe in it even if it’s hard. Here’s the first real tip: Lokohin ang sarili na magaling ka, hanggang sa maging totoo. 

Second real tip: Enjoy it and find “real” friends.

When I passed prerev, I remember being so happy. I told my mom, “pasado na ako.” Then I remember her saying calmly, as if nothing happened, “Hindi pa tapos ang laban.”

She was right, “hindi pa tapos ang laban”

The review days are not always sunshine, but you can always count on the people around you. The hardest thing for me was battling the homesickness and pressure. There was this one time, I guess a week before the exam, that I came home early sa dorm just to cry, tapos Joan was there, and she was really trying her best to comfort me.  Thank you to my roomies: Joan, Mia and Joyce. You might not know this but I am really, really happy being with you. I am so proud of us! Lalong lalo na kay Joyce, I am very proud of you. I love you all.

When it comes to preparation - prepare in a manner that suits you ever since. The actual board exams will not depend on how good you were during the review days. Foundation, foundation po talaga. The things you’ve learned during your undergrad years would be your saving grace. Take note and give yourself some credit on how far you’ve come.

The day before the actual CPA examination, I was rushed to the ER because I was suffering from severe stomachache and vomiting, days before that I had diarrhoea and fever. Everyone thought that I wouldn’t be able to take the exam. I was discharged from the hospital the night before the CPA examination. But, I always knew I was unstoppable. 

7 years? Tapos magpapatalo lang po ako sa sakit ng tiyan. No, Felicia!

So on that day, I took off all my bandages. And, that has made all the difference. 

It has been almost a month since I last saw my name on the list of passers. Siguro nga, effective ang mga pamahiin ng mga tita ko. I never thought could do it, but I did. 

Hindi po ako magaling. I’m average. I’m nowhere near these people sitting beside me. I’m nothing special. Sometimes, I feel like I am such a disappointment. But, neither words nor circumstances would ever stop me from achieving something that would make my parents proud. 

I hope they’re proud of me. 

Napakahirap po nang daan patungo sa CPA title. But all along, it was not really about being great; it was really just about “gaano ba kakapal yang mukha mo?” at “gaano ba katibay ang loob mo?” 

To all my teachers, who taught me a lot of things accounting related, but most of all taught me that courage, bravery and discipline – are the better things to be given and practiced. 

Atty. Reyes, Sir Abelinde, Ma’am Billy, Sir Jayser, Sir Tony, Sir  Marlon, Most especially kay Sir Mars for the great prerev adventure, To Daddy Bart for giving us the enhancement program the saving grace of my life. To Sir mike. To Sir Tuy, unpopular opinion, pero you made me believe na matibay ako sa MAS so thank you.

May you instill on every students, that grades matter only in school standing, but would never define who we are as persons, because we are more than that.

To all my friends – you all know who you are. Thank you for always believing in me. Gemma’s Peeps, Gregsters Association and Crownicles, on times that I felt so lonely you were all there for me. To the powerpuff girls: Ann and Malou, CPA na kitang tulo. Pau and most especially, Hazel, thank you for all the nights that I needed someone to talk to.

To all the saints and souls in heaven, to my guardian angel, the Holy Spirit, Mama Mary (Ina), St. Jude, St Joseph of Cupertino, Jesus, My God – I’ll be forever grateful. 

To my family, I couldn’t thank you enough. Thank you very, very, very much.

When I started in Ateneo, I have so much imagination, of who I will become and what will I be. As I grew up, I’ve learned that everything we imagined are not always the way things turned out and that’s okay. We make stories out of failures and mistakes – not of greatness. I think our journey wouldn’t stop here. It’s an unending cycle of pain – but we will push through. That’s what makes a great story.  

So this is a quote fron Noor and my favorite, “Without a failure, that bruised your heart, art and every start what else would remind you that underneath this golden skin word “strong” runs in your veins”

The CPA title is not about everything; it is really the character that makes you a CPA. 

This is the lyrics I got from ben&ben’s song entitled susi, “Ilang beses man madapa’t sumubsob, kailanman ay gawing matatag ang iyong loob. Mga batikos huwag nang diringgin pakawalan lang yan sa hangin. Bukas ay malapit naring dumating. Lumaban ka pa rin”