Burning brighter

Babe,

There is nothing scarier than losing the passion on things you once loved. I can never imagine myself not writing anymore.

We all get tired. There is this heavy weight of all things trying to pull us down, as if the world has to be pulled as well in order to continue. I feel it. The unavoidable feeling of not being good enough, that there is always something missing. I think that is what public accounting does to you - it's going to take all your heart and you have to be prepared for it. Though, how much you try to convince yourself that it will pass, as most things will never last, the feeling won't stop and there is no escaping. 

Sometimes, when we get lost or stressed, we only see the darkness and that is okay. No amount of "Positivity" can ever replace the darkness we feel inside, it's just there. The hollow feeling of being caught in a maze where you can't find answers, or feeling that all the pressure is on you but you're fighting alone. As if we cannot continue anymore, and we tagged ourselves unworthy of any praise because we feel like quitters and dumb complainers. Sadness has found its new home. 

Indeed, when something is valuable it will never come easy. 

But babe, we will survive.

You may not know this but we are all made of light. We never see it, but the amount of effort we put in pulling ourselves together everyday are flickers of light. The way we try our best, even if no one sees us is a reflection of our brevity. We are trying to do our best and that's what matters most. If it's taking all of our hearts, then we give it. Our hearts, like seeds - if planted, will bloom. Isn't that what love is?

So, what do we do? 

We breakdown.

Then, we stand up. Then, we burn brighter.

Love always,

Patricia

The Dangers of Not Knowing

Today, I gazed at my own agony of feeling extremely sad for no reason. So I ask myself if this is insanity: level 1

There are days when I feel like quitting my job, running away from it, although my moral conscience does not agree. I am not the type to leave a team and certainly not a quitter. I just want to run away but I don't know where. 

Sometimes, I  feel like I don't deserve to feel sad - I'm blessed with family and friends who care too deeply. I have a decent job with trainings that help me be better. I don't earn much but I am able to eat good food and shop once in a while. I have all these, but sometimes I feel like the world is collapsing and I have nothing, not even strength. 

There is this struggle to pull myself together each day. I find that I will never be good enough. That there are things not meant for me, although how much I want it. I want to be good, but I always fall short. That there are seasons for blooming, then there are for fall, and I should be both but I'm nowhere in between. That I could always aspire to be kind, but there are days when I get furious and hurt other people's feelings. I get furious when I figured I have no voice for world problems. I couldn't even find the right audit procedures for a certain line item. I get sad for no reason. I get sad for being small.

The world gets heavier. The times are rough. How do I pull myself together?

Today, as I gazed at my own agony of feeling extremely sad for no reason. I ask myself again: have you survived days like this before?

I did. Many times. Insane.

Love,

Patricia

Us Against the World

We all have our fears, some of them we may outgrow, some of them we carry along the way, some of them we are not aware of and then they surprise you. 

You came as a surprise. There is silence between us - the kind of silence that pierce through, and we can both feel it somehow

Amidst all those hatred thrown against me, words that said, "you don't deserve to be loved" and that there were times when I sometimes believe it. My pasts have told the universe, that I am never capable of loving. How many times have I given up on love for my cynicism? and how many times have I cried for love in silence? I lost count. I was told that I only deserve the pain I inflicted, only the pain. 

Then, you came. Not from a slow-mo with Never the Strangers in the background. It was just calm, pure calm. 

You told me that love wasn't meant to be overthought. That no one apologizes for feeling too much or not at all. That we live in the age where it's okay to take as much heartbreak as possible, and fall in love just as much,  because that is what really matters at the end of the day.

I never really understood how it's like to live in the moment. But, we started holding each other's hand on an empty parking space, and I don't know how it's like in the movies, but it almost felt like that. 

We'll keep partaking our favorite songs, and listen to it at night. We'll drink enough margaritas and tequila sunrises and be bullies of each other throughout the night. We'll smoke fvcking expensive cigarettes and feel guilty why we did it, but still do it anyway. We'll deliberately walk slowly again on busy streets where people walk on a rush, just to annoy them. We'll be talking about shallow stuff, because we always pretend we dislike the cheese. After everything, we'll laugh at all the stupid things we do. We'll keep falling, falling all the time. I don't know what we are, but this thing keeps me going. 

It has been a year since I wrote about love that was utterly true. And it has been months, when I thought I could never write something like this again. 

On a rainy 3:00 am morning, while we were walking home with tipsy heads,  laughing our ass off for the stupid decision we have made. I started looking for words that would describe how I feel. Then, I saw myself stupidly smiling at the kind of love we are staging - the kind I am willing to fight for. You were fear and love at the same time, I am home and nothing else matter. 

You made me believe that I am still capable of loving. That I could pick-up broken pieces and make it whole again. The thoughts inside my head are complicated, but you understood them anyway. You heard me at my loud silence and made me feel things once again.

My pasts were wrong when they told the universe: I don't deserve it. They were all wrong, and I don't need to prove it. 

Though how much hatred the world will give us, while we fear that maybe someday this will end too. We will be invincible, holding each other's hand. We are living in this moment. Today, it's just us against the world. 

Always,

AP 💖

Photo by Anastasia Dulgier on Unsplash

Breakeven

I haven’t told my seniors about how their review notes give me tantrums. By now, if they are reading this, they already know.  My only point here is that I do feel things so deeply. Even in silence.

Stupid deep.

There are things we cannot talk about simply because they needed healing. These are loud silences that should be understood. I don’t forget things, and I’ve always been sorry. I don’t know how to explain it anymore – but the longer we stay at something that doesn’t give meaning anymore, the more we become the monsters, we promised we never would. I am pretty sure I was becoming it.  That is how I know it has to end.

These days, it is not easy for me to write about love anymore. I always joked about “flirting” and trying to find it cute to have new crushes. Like a 16-yo me; Sometimes, I wish I am still the girl whose stories belong to chic-literature, a funny hopeless romantic.  But, I couldn’t.

We all tell the stories about the broken hearted, but we never told the stories of those who made the tearing. Aren’t theirs broken too?

Sometimes, I wonder if I’ll ever find love again. The kind of love that’s worth fighting for, the kind of love that grows so deep, you learn to grow too. I want to have a love that doesn’t fear, the kind that does not fall back to the boundaries the society set on us. To paint the town red, at 2am when only silence is awake – I hope I’ll find love that hold my hands when all the sadness comes in. If it comes, I hope I deserve it this time.

In most instances, I feel so deeply about the comments my seniors give me because they always seem like a reflection of who I am as a person; a mess. Fixing my working papers is much harder, than the actual making. Funny.

Quite often, it is truly tiring to be always not good enough. That empathy and recognition have always been given to those who’ve been “good” – but are not meant for the reckless, the heartbreakers, those who chose to stay silent, even if, they all fought too. After everything, we can only be sorry, and that is all.

Why is there always a need to quantify pain, grief, and exhaustion for our feelings to be valid?

“When a heart breaks, no, it don’t breakeven”

Stupid Deep.

Love, Patricia

Photo by Eutah Mizushima on Unsplash

Why we leave

Miss ____,

I have been meaning to write you a letter. How do I even start this? Is it with the: “Good Morning, Miss! I’m leaving for good.”

There have been many nights where I wasn’t able to sleep well, not because I was working, but because I was thinking too much. During those nights, I find that there are moments when all the words we wanted to write just don’t seem to fit.

I don’t know you very much, heck – you don’t even know me, as well. Jokes on you, I’m also figuring out myself too. Sometimes, I feel like changing the world, taking the bigger steps and getting visions for the future; certain ideologies I set out for myself.  All my days, I’ve been talking to God about the deepest dreams I have. But, I am still failing. 

I don’t mean to be overly dramatic; I think you’re not the kind of person who could easily understand drama from a staff you barely even know. 

Before, I imagined myself successful at 25 – all settled with a nice apartment, a nice breed of cat, and unlimited books to read. Sometimes, being tita at coffee shops. All those things, I’ve imagined when I was 10. But then, they were only just pieces of broken memoirs as I was growing up. In reality, it was as I’ve seen it: a harsh world. 

Miss, I am sorry for not being good enough. If there were days when I felt like useless. That there were days where I could’ve done well, but I chose not to. I’ve been carrying disappointments I’ve inflicted upon myself. And that sometimes, I never really understood why I am tired. I am sorry. I hope you’ll know that whenever I went missing – I needed to breathe. 

I want you to know that I am really trying to do better – like waking up extra early in the morning – yet I still fail at it. 

Other people would want to leave because they had enough. My officemates are all tired because they were working so hard. I wanted to leave because I’m not enough; that I don’t belong in our world, and maybe I was tired, not because of the work, but because of myself. Some nights, I wonder where I should really be. Often times, I find myself wanting the things that are not meant for me. 

People have always told me that I was brave. That I have surpassed a lot of boundaries, people thought I never could. I was so passionate about defying the norms, winning the hardest battles – as if I had a story to tell. But, I don’t. I am just a lucky person. 

I am writing this letter not to say good-bye, but to say sorry. I wish I could do more. I wish I could be more relevant. I wish I wasn’t so weak to cry every time I don’t understand things. That I wanted to be a good person with pure intentions of doing the best that I could – without giving up.  I really wanted to present a quality work, something that would make myself proud. But I couldn’t.

There is a fire in me, but they no longer seem to burn. Then suddenly, the very things that I'm once so passionate about, just doesn’t seem right.  I am sorry for letting you down.

Maybe, one of the reasons people leave is because we don’t know what we want anymore. Our souls can no longer breathe. 

I’ve never heard my soul shouted so loud before, it almost crashed. Almost. I wanted to believe that my soul is still fighting. That, no matter the disappointments, it will always surprise me. Sooner, when I finally say good-bye, I hope we all realize that even in the most hopeless days, we tried to fight. Even if no one knows it, except us.

Miss, I have been meaning to write you a letter: “Keep the fire alive.”

Love always,

AP

Closures

I can’t remember anymore, the many stories this year in which I was planning on writing but did not make any progress. At times, it made me wonder whether am I still capable, and whether there is still some soul left in me. 

My grab rides this year, as I have figured out totaled about 10,000 pesos, a bit amusing and terrifying because I honestly don’t use it often. Funny, I don’t know how it relates to this write up. But, it’s amusing to find people raving about their surprising total ride amount. I wish it could also quantify feelings that I carry during my rides going home.

The events of this year were on full speed. I can’t even remember how it all happened; how I got out of the crazy cage called ‘review’ and ultimately getting a professional title, how the choices was much harder today than it was at the start of this year, how I realized more and more that the cage will never really be gone, it will just be bigger. Moreover, I’ve learned that there was the kind of love that doesn’t need any explanation; that life, however way we planned it, will never really be easy. This year, I’ve been taught again that happiness is fleeting and moments really never happen twice. Feelings come and go – the point is, they always come.

My rides going home are always the most sentimental; it is like going back to good feelings we’ve once felt. Our comfort zone is very tempting. I think if we all had a choice, I guess, we would always choose to pause at a moment when it all feels perfect, but then at all times, the story closes.

Closures.

This year is ending. As I write my finale of 2018, I would not wallow on things that did not happen or the mishaps and sadness, or the fact that sometimes the universe is against me. This year had many ups and downs, like all other years that came. Instead, I would like to view this year as a blessing, a gift and a beautiful story of transition. 

I experienced a love story worth writing, I became someone I thought I could never be, I attended the dreamiest event my sister and I have been planning, I met different people and made new friends, there is learning and growth. Sometimes, decisions get really hard – but that’s the beauty of it. I am not romanticizing shitty things, but shitty things really make a good story.  *wink, wink*

I’m not good at closures. I don’t always understand the need for it. All I want you to know is that there really are years meant for each of us, sewn by the universe, through some kind of fate. 2018 has been my year. 

I’m closing this year, by somehow, telling you that things end not because there wasn’t enough love in it, or that it was unsatisfactory, disappointing and bad. Some things just had to end, because there will be better days. As we go on, rides after rides, I hope there will be that moment where everything pauses, and that would be your story. 

Happy New Year!

May we all have a blast this 2019

Here’s to more love letters from me

Love,

Patricia

Comforts and Discomforts

There are days, when I just scroll through my Pinterest looking for some good home interiors, and the whole afternoon would be just dreaming about my future space as well. Ah! The comfort when I feel like running away from the real world or adulthood, I imagine places that are close to childhood memories. It was always easier for us back then. Looking back, I always felt like those days were difficult days, but then as we grow older, things are just getting rougher and rougher. Don't you just, kind of, want to live those moments the same way they happened?

To be honest, I'm really scared of going in the reality of LIFE, I always felt like I'm still innocent. That there is greater good amidst everything that is happening, but you can't always just turn blind-eye. When I officially became a Certified Public Accountant, there were still days when I doubt myself - Do I truly deserve the title? What does that make me? I always ask my employer during interviews, what my responsibilities are, because quite honestly, I still can't comprehend, what the society expects me to do? (though, of course I had 6 rough years studying the concepts) What bigger things are there for me to carry? What does the future hold for me? I can't still grasp the fact that I can now be held liable for my opinion. Or that, is this where I truly wanted to be?

The latter can be quite stressful. I think I got a little depressed thinking about it. I've read a lot of twitter accounts where they too felt the same and I want to believe, this is all just part of the process. The suffocation, the little space given to you for growth, the limit - when all this time, you always thought that the story would end up great, but the reality isn't like the movies. It is bad. You'd spend your life trying to fake things: the way you dress, carry yourself and the way you speak. Until, you get to blend in. 

I could've chosen to go the other way, or to turn my back and just live with my parents in the province, it would've been great. What comforts and happiness could it make right now? The thing is, that is not what I think we were made of. I think we were made of adventures and misadventures. Growth is not found in our comfort zones, growth lies beneath hardships and unending sacrifices. Until, we finally realized we have become the person we wanted to be. The world is Big. The reality is worse than we thought. People are gonna stomp on you. The human nature isn't always perfect but we can always do the right thing. Yep, it is big, but we are bigger. I am bigger. Yes it's worse, but we are better. They will stomp on you, but at the end of the day whose shoes are gonna break? 

I am scared, really. But, I didn't become a Certified Public Accountant just so I could do something comfortable. I was meant to tell a story. I hold the highest regard of public interest. And, much like other professionals, we are called for a purpose. Maybe, we all feel shitty for not being able to understand things yet. Maybe, it's not today. I don't know what the future holds, I don't know if this is something I wanted. All I know is that, it was given to me because I deserved it, that I am stronger and bigger than the reality of the world. I don't know what the fvck I am doing here, but I feel like I'm on the right place. It's hard, but all things were hard before they were ever easy, right? 

When I try to look at my pinned home interiors, and imagine myself creating something beautiful out of a tragedy, that what makes me see life more beautiful (cheesy, I know). I think that is what I was meant to do. 

So, you're lost, I'm lost, we both are. Let go of the illusion that it could have been any different, if we have chosen the other way.  Hold on. We are growing, bro. This is exactly where God wants us to be. 

Love always,

Patricia

Photo: Pinterest. Ctto

This is not the end

Hindi po ako magaling

People would frequently ask me, “Bakit ako nagaccountancy?” “Kaya ko ba?” at nang nagshift po ako to FA, someone called me out and said “Yuck! Nagshift!” 

I was not exceptional. I’m not from the Honor’s class, I don’t have any Latin Awards, and I’ve never been in the President’s list.  I’m not the type of classmate na tinatabihan if there were group studies or assignments. Growing up, I honestly believed that I am not worthy of any recognition because I felt like I don’t belong anywhere.

Hindi po ako kasing galing ng mga kapatid ko; mga CPA po sila, ang isa ay grumaduate sa law school bilang class salutatorian sa maynila, at pinsan na 3^rdCPA board placer – ateneo alumnus.

I grew up living behind the shadows of great people, that it became harder for me to recognize my own worth. 

Hindi ako magaling. Pero, lumaban po ako. 

Lumaban po ako hanggang sa makabalik ako sa BS Accountancy. Hanggang sa maging prerev at hanggang sa maging CPA.

Lumaban po ako.

Sinumpa ko po ang prerev, thinking how unfair the system was. The toxcity. The every day crying, pushing myself to go to school despite of depression. I would have jumped the building the moment I was told I wouldn’t graduate on time. I was this close of doing that. Prerev is a hell. But, who would’ve thought that one day, I would be grateful that it happened? Pain helped me become the person I am now. So, trust the process. 

To all prerev people who are still listening and even those who are not: You’ll get your heart broken. Sometimes, you’ll find yourself lost and even worse than that. Cry really, really hard. But, never give up. Find yourself and believe in it even if it’s hard. Here’s the first real tip: Lokohin ang sarili na magaling ka, hanggang sa maging totoo. 

Second real tip: Enjoy it and find “real” friends.

When I passed prerev, I remember being so happy. I told my mom, “pasado na ako.” Then I remember her saying calmly, as if nothing happened, “Hindi pa tapos ang laban.”

She was right, “hindi pa tapos ang laban”

The review days are not always sunshine, but you can always count on the people around you. The hardest thing for me was battling the homesickness and pressure. There was this one time, I guess a week before the exam, that I came home early sa dorm just to cry, tapos Joan was there, and she was really trying her best to comfort me.  Thank you to my roomies: Joan, Mia and Joyce. You might not know this but I am really, really happy being with you. I am so proud of us! Lalong lalo na kay Joyce, I am very proud of you. I love you all.

When it comes to preparation - prepare in a manner that suits you ever since. The actual board exams will not depend on how good you were during the review days. Foundation, foundation po talaga. The things you’ve learned during your undergrad years would be your saving grace. Take note and give yourself some credit on how far you’ve come.

The day before the actual CPA examination, I was rushed to the ER because I was suffering from severe stomachache and vomiting, days before that I had diarrhoea and fever. Everyone thought that I wouldn’t be able to take the exam. I was discharged from the hospital the night before the CPA examination. But, I always knew I was unstoppable. 

7 years? Tapos magpapatalo lang po ako sa sakit ng tiyan. No, Felicia!

So on that day, I took off all my bandages. And, that has made all the difference. 

It has been almost a month since I last saw my name on the list of passers. Siguro nga, effective ang mga pamahiin ng mga tita ko. I never thought could do it, but I did. 

Hindi po ako magaling. I’m average. I’m nowhere near these people sitting beside me. I’m nothing special. Sometimes, I feel like I am such a disappointment. But, neither words nor circumstances would ever stop me from achieving something that would make my parents proud. 

I hope they’re proud of me. 

Napakahirap po nang daan patungo sa CPA title. But all along, it was not really about being great; it was really just about “gaano ba kakapal yang mukha mo?” at “gaano ba katibay ang loob mo?” 

To all my teachers, who taught me a lot of things accounting related, but most of all taught me that courage, bravery and discipline – are the better things to be given and practiced. 

Atty. Reyes, Sir Abelinde, Ma’am Billy, Sir Jayser, Sir Tony, Sir  Marlon, Most especially kay Sir Mars for the great prerev adventure, To Daddy Bart for giving us the enhancement program the saving grace of my life. To Sir mike. To Sir Tuy, unpopular opinion, pero you made me believe na matibay ako sa MAS so thank you.

May you instill on every students, that grades matter only in school standing, but would never define who we are as persons, because we are more than that.

To all my friends – you all know who you are. Thank you for always believing in me. Gemma’s Peeps, Gregsters Association and Crownicles, on times that I felt so lonely you were all there for me. To the powerpuff girls: Ann and Malou, CPA na kitang tulo. Pau and most especially, Hazel, thank you for all the nights that I needed someone to talk to.

To all the saints and souls in heaven, to my guardian angel, the Holy Spirit, Mama Mary (Ina), St. Jude, St Joseph of Cupertino, Jesus, My God – I’ll be forever grateful. 

To my family, I couldn’t thank you enough. Thank you very, very, very much.

When I started in Ateneo, I have so much imagination, of who I will become and what will I be. As I grew up, I’ve learned that everything we imagined are not always the way things turned out and that’s okay. We make stories out of failures and mistakes – not of greatness. I think our journey wouldn’t stop here. It’s an unending cycle of pain – but we will push through. That’s what makes a great story.  

So this is a quote fron Noor and my favorite, “Without a failure, that bruised your heart, art and every start what else would remind you that underneath this golden skin word “strong” runs in your veins”

The CPA title is not about everything; it is really the character that makes you a CPA. 

This is the lyrics I got from ben&ben’s song entitled susi, “Ilang beses man madapa’t sumubsob, kailanman ay gawing matatag ang iyong loob. Mga batikos huwag nang diringgin pakawalan lang yan sa hangin. Bukas ay malapit naring dumating. Lumaban ka pa rin”

Where the sunflower blooms

Your name, a light brown nut from the birch trees.

But to me, you were more like the sunflower, brimming with joy and hope. You talk about happiness in this harsh lonely world. You talk about it in perfect timing when I haven’t had any.

I have always believed that when you find love, it usually burst out fireworks inside us, like something we can’t bare – something that makes it harder for us to breathe, but at the same time the universe is embracing us, as if we can conquer everything.

We live with so many “as ifs”, and it makes love become more of an idea rather than a feeling. We keep trying so hard to make it look like a motion picture. Boy and Girl falling in love with each other, disregarding the fact that sometimes, boys love boys and girls love girls too. Where do we stand?

We stand on a never ending prayer, that the society would be more accepting. That this is something worth fighting for. That there’s something to look forward to, as if, as if.

You were there in my homesickness, pretending you were home.

Your kindness is overflowing, but your humor is my favorite. How you speak your words, and the way it makes me smile. It is attractive. I never had a day where I didn’t wish the world to have more people like you.

Beneath your strong surface, lies vulnerability, a sense of loneliness and insecurity. By then, your dramas are the only dramas I want to listen to.

That is how my love grew, I guess.

Though, you should know:

I wasn’t ready for this.

We always remind each other of the truth about our feelings. When people mistook us for something else. You always assure me that it’s okay because, “We both know the truth”

But, do we?

It’s so easy to put a rainbow flag outside my door, and tell people I support a genderless love. Yet, it is not easy to tell the world how much love I could give to someone like you.

I have built walls that scream I am not into it.

But you bloomed inconveniently outside the walls, and started creeping through the cracks. When we both know this isn’t real, and we can never be.

I don’t know what to call the relationship we are staging. All I know is that when you started coming in, I wanted you to leave fast. But you keep reminding me of my own kindness, that there is something in me worth loving. I never asked for you to be my sunshine. Yet, you keep on shining. You bloomed in places where it was dark; and I drew a line between us but it became rainbows overtime. I don’t want this feeling leave me, anymore.

I wish to love you like how love was supposed to be. I want to listen to you at 4am in words and even in your silence. I try to convince myself every morning that I can. Maybe, there’s this chance that I can somehow be dragged to your hell too.

In a world full of make believe I hope you recognize, that the only real thing right now is how I feel for you – even when I shouldn’t.

And for once, Lang Leav was right: Sometimes we want what we couldn’t, sometimes we love who we could.

You were the kindest, and you were generous enough to share your light to me. You made me believe that there are still people who could love me, for me. You brought me laughters at 2am, and for the first time after a very long while my life wasn’t as lonely anymore.

We may never be the lovers we wished to be but while the moment last, we may pretend that we are. Two girls sitting on a tree, running away from their old friendships, mending broken hearts, forgetting the cage they are in.

As if, the universe is singing when they hold their hands, or when they talk about their dreams at midnight. As if the stars light up brighter, when they hear them laugh. Their conversations would last longer than a day and this feeling will last forever. As if the society accepts this kind of love. That true love is true love no matter what gender.

I like to pretend that we can.

As if.

I have always believed in the magic of love. But, as I grew older, I got accustomed to self-love and how I can be able to share it. Without the “ideology,” I wanted to share to you this love. Not because I am in love with you, but just because.

Let’s pretend once more, like a motion picture. Break the wall.

“I really like you very much”

Your name, a light brown nut from the birch trees: hazelnut

Love,

Patricia

Happy Valentine’s Day!!!